This town needs an enema.

There is a place near where I live called the D’Avignon Digestive Health Centre.

It’s one of these places that offer colon hydro-therapy and coffee enemas.

Basically they stick a hose up your butt, spray a bunch of stuff up there, suck it out (or maybe you poo it out, I don’t know and don’t want to know) and they charge you for it.

the colon hydro-therapy is supposed to get out all the old poo that’s hanging around in your butt forever.

(Ha ha, the hippies are the poo.)

Supposedly John Wayne had 40lbs of the stuff in his colon when he died.

I always figured he walked that way because he fell off a horse or something.When they took it out of him it was sent to Hollywood and they used it to make Wild Wild West.

I guess if your diet consists of like 50 Slim Jims a day then colon hydro-therapy might be of benefit to you. But a coffee enema? That I just don’t get.

(I used to think this was an easier to fill hot water bottle and I always wanted one.)

Do you get to pick what kind of coffee goes in your ass? Is it hot? Can you have cream and sugar? Can you make it a latte? (No cinnamon this time, it makes my sphincter itch.) Can you have instant if you’re in a hurry?

And what does it do? Does it make the caffeine enter your system faster? Maybe it’s for people that are totally addicted to coffee but can’t take it through their mouth anymore. Like Stevie Nix, who did so much cocaine that she couldn’t take it up her nose anymore so she had to get someone to blow it up her ass with a straw.



Can you imagine working at this place? How much do you think they get paid? I don’t mean the nutritionist or whoever that feeds you a line of bullshit about how clearing out your ass is going to change your whole life. I mean like the assistant that has to stick hoses up peoples’ butts all day and then sit there and have small talk with them while watching all the poo come out. What ever it is it can’t be enough. That job is possibly worse then giving lap dances or working at a rub and tug parlor. I mean sure your customers are creepier but at least you’re not going to see their assholes (on a good day). Plus you’ve got to make more money hand –jobbing people then giving them enemas. Even if you don’t charge as much for an hj the customer turn around is probably faster. Maybe they supplement their meager income by selling all the used enema coffee to Coffee Time

(Only the homeless and the clinically insane go here.)

And you should see the people when they come out of there. They don’t look happy. They have that frightened embarrassed look of someone that’s been caught coming out of a sex shop.

(Thanks Google Street View!)

How do they think I feel? Seeing them is putting me off my Slim Jim.

Happy Birthday Strange Animal.

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"Whatever happened to hand-jobs?"

Oh man! Whew! Oh boy! Special treat for me last night. I turn on my TV and what do I see? Bachelor Party on AMC!!! Even though it’s more majestic moments were dubbed or cut out and I own my own unedited copy (on VHS) it’s safe to say I watched it.
If you haven’t seen Bachelor Party yet stop reading this, stop being an idiot and go watch it now. Download it, rent it, hell buy it because you’re going to want to watch it over and over and you’re going to want to lend it to friends and loved ones. Buy two copies because someone you lend it to is not going to want to give it back.
Bachelor Party is everything a good 80s movie should be and then some. Fuck John Hughes (god rest his soul). The only film that comes close to BP is Revenge of the Nerds and that’s saying something.
We’ve got Tom Hanks in one of his first and most embarrassing rolls to date, a Hindu street pimp, a guy disguising his foot long penis as a hot dog, hookers, a hooker band that looks like the B52’s minus that little creep with the mustache, a suicidal drug addict named Pecker Head, full frontal nudity, Mike the magical, sexual mule who later takes a bunch of pills and cocaine and dies (I hope that’s not a plot spoiler) and, and, and…. Whew! I’m out of breath.
On of my most prized possessions is a copy of the soundtrack for this movie on vinyl. I got it off some burn-out in Kensington Market for $2! Someone once told me that they enjoyed listening to me talk about Bachelor Party more then when they actually saw the film. That’s how much I love this film. Maybe I can get a job describing BP to the blind because that would be the worst part about being blind… not being able to see Bachelor Party.