How I spent my summer vacation.

Happy Summer Solstice everyone!

What does it mean? Well today is the day that the earth’s axis is tilted 23.4 degrees relative to the sun and the sun’s rays are at their most powerful here on earth. So what should you do? Well if you’re in or near England and you’re one of those smelly hippy types you can head over to England’s oldest tourist trap Stonehenge.

Just don’t drink too much mead and don’t forget your wizard costume or you won’t be allowed to participate in the super hot revolting 78some.

And don’t drink the brown mead. It came out of this guy.

Oh and don’t let Clark Griswold be your designated driver.

But seriously what it really means is the start of summer. Today it officially begins. And I can’t help but reminisce about some of the great summertime fun I’ve had over the years…

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Age 8.

Growing up in Burlington my house backed onto a creek. I spent a lot of happy times playing in that creek and summers were no exception. One summer day I was playing in the creek with this kid named Luke. Luke was never really a friend. He was one of those future mental cases that would beat you up one day then knock on your door the next and ask if you wanted to come out and play. If you said no, he’d beat you up the next day. So many of us neighborhood kids tolerated him but never really liked him. Kind of like that stupid Ewoks cartoon they played on Sunday afternoons.

I still get a hint of back to school tomorrow depression when I hear that horrible theme song.

So there we were me and Luke marching up the creek with sticks. I don’t remember what we were doing. I want to say we were searching for treasure. Because treasure we did find. Luke was in front leading the march and as we rounded a bend in the creek he spotted something. It was a plastic bag partially submerged in the water!

Yes, one man’s environmental hot button topic is another man’s treasure.

But better yet Luke exclaimed that there was something metallic sticking out of the bottom of it. Now this definitely warranted a closer inspection. For mankind’s lust for that which is shiny and metal has brought civilizations to their knees. I surged forward to get a better look but Luke pushed me back and grabbed the bag. Not wishing to share in the spoils.

Now this is where I will stop my tale to explain something. Just imagine you’re Fred Savage and I’m the story telling Granddad from Princess Bride played by Colombo.

You see the creek didn’t just back onto my yard. It backed onto many yards in the neighborhood. Some of these yards had sizeable lawns and back then you couldn’t buy these:

So lazy guys would just wheelbarrow their leaves and grass down to the bottom of the yard and dump it in the creek. But some of these yards had dogs and even lazier guys. Now with that in mind, let’s continue.

Luke hauled the bag up over his head in an effort to both keep it away from me and to examine the shiny metal thing. Well that shiny metal thing? It was an old ripped up pop can. And its sharp edge wielded by the forces of weight and gravity made short work of the bottom of that bag. Spilling it’s bounty of liquid dog shit all over Luke.

File Photo: Luke’s treasure.

He ran screaming home and as I couldn’t think of what else to do, I ran right after him. By the time I reached his house he was already inside, not to be seen again that day. But I did see his older brother Tyler. He looked at me and said in a Kung Fu voice, Asss-ho! You want the dewy max? Turn your balls into fortune cookie. And he kicked me nuts. And that’s how I spent my summer vacation.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0016

I know this guy that has smelly feet. They’re not gross disgusting fungusy feet like these.

They just smell.

He says that he tries everything to keep them from smelling. He washes them. He changes his socks every day. He doesn’t wear the same shoes all the time. He’s even tried those Odor Eater things you see on TV. You know the one’s that can cure Swamp Foot.



But sometimes they still smell. Now the strange thing is that his dad’s feet smell too. In fact I think they smell worse. So that makes me wonder. Can smelly feet be hereditary? Is there a smelly feet gene that can be passed down from generation to generation like a bad heirloom?

This was you Great Uncle Elli’s pubic lice comb. He pried it from the dead hand of a German sniper during the war. When I was your age he gave it to me. I’ve been combing my pubes with it for 30 years and now I’m giving it to you. So don’t go loosing it at one of your discos.

You all know where this is going. Let’s pop the old hitchhiking thumb into the USB port and catch a ride on the information super highway.

Question 16: Is having smelly feet hereditary?

Vrrrrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrr. Orrrrrrr. Baaaaaawoooogaaaaaa. Vit. Vit. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Helen Keller once said, Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived. Well I must say that I’m quite happy to be void of a sense of smell. Many of my users have questionable hygiene to say the least.

However I do sometimes envy Ms. Keller’s loss of site. The things I’ve seen Johnny. The unspeakable horrors I’ve been forced to Google! The, the, the…. Sorry Johnny. I had a bit of a RAM flashback there. Let me answer your question. Foot odor in its self is not hereditary but one of the causing factors in foot odor can be. You see the odor is cause by two components coming together, sweat and bacteria. Human hands and feet have roughly 3,000 sweat glands per square inch, more than anywhere else on the body. Even though human hands perspire they tend not to be malodorous because they are exposed to the open air. Human feet on the other hand are usually incased in socks and shoes. The dark damp environment created by these ambulation accessories allows the bacteria to proliferate and generate isovaleric acid. It is this acid that causes smelly feet.

And this acid

Causes smelly hippy.

Yes, thanks for that Johnny. Now let us get to the hereditary portion of this answer. There is a condition called hyperhidrosis. This condition is characterized by abnormally profuse sweating and it is a condition that is believed to be hereditary. Hyperhidrosis can also be localized to certain areas of the body. Palmoplantar Hyperhidrosis is the name given to symptomatic sweating of the hands and feet. This may explain how foot odor can seem to run in the family. Overly sweaty feet will become malodorous feet. The easiest solution is to keep the feet dry. But not too dry. You don’t want to end up like this poor fellow.

Wow that’s gross! Thanks Magic I. Hey did you know that Odor Eaters sponsored a rottone sneaker competition at something called the Bear Paw Festival? Apparently all the boys cheated by stepping in dog poo. Check it out.

Forget Smokey the Bear, Team CHEWBACCA assemble!

Did you hear about the woman in B.C. that had a marijuana grow-op.  guarded by bears?

B. T. the Bear

See now this is news. This is what I want to see when I open my newspaper every day. This is what I’m all about.

And this.

Now I’m no criminal but if I were to grow marijuana, you better believe no one is taking my future stash. First I’d have it hidden so no one could spot it from the air. Like that fake pool that Cheech and Chong had in Nice Dreams.



Or better yet I’d hide it in an inactive Volcano like Blofeld had in You Only Live Twice where James Bond gets in that little helicopter and tries to find it but then the SPECTRE guys come in their helicopters and then there’s a helicopter fight and James Bond’s helicopter fires missiles and all the little buttons on his helicopter are labeled with an old label maker and Sean Connery looks ridiculous and cool all at once and it’s awesome.

First zapped and now this. Why aren’t movie posters cool anymore?

Except I’d be the one flying the little helicopter to and from my grow-op. and if I catch you trying to steal any of my plants you’re going to get the flamethrower. Only it won’t be fire that comes out because I don’t want to burn down my plants so instead it will just hose you with methhead puke. And trust me, you don’t want that.

Fill ‘er up with premium, dude.

Only I can’t be flying around guarding my weed plants all day. I’m a rich drug dealer now. I have things to do. I’ve got to sit by my pool and watch bikini girls swim, get flames painted on the side of my little helicopter, buy oversized gold rope chains and let Hightimes take pictures of my weed for hippies to jerk off to.

So I need some sort of guards. Not bears though, that’s been done. Maybe I could get some of those radioactive boars radoactive boars from Germany. Or better yet bigfoots! Yes, bigfoots. A team of them to patrol my volcano base. And they’d all have crossbows.

Silent and deadly. You’d only catch a whiff of their stink and then thud, a crossbow bolt would be in your head. I’d have nine of them. Nine bigfoots and they’d all have names and they’d all wear a special hats so I can tell them apart and they’d all have specialties and the first letter of each of their names would spell out CHEWBACCA.

Roll call!

Name: Charlie.

Special Hat: One of those wicker Vietcong hats.

Specialty: Booby-traps.

Favorite food: Pizza.

Name: Hector.

Special Hat: Giant Sombrero .

Specialty: Knives.

Favorite food: Meatball sub.

Name: Eli.

Special Hat: Von Dutch Trucker Hat.

Specialty: Invisibility.

Favorite food: Garbage.

Name: Willy.

Special Hat: Solar Powered Fan Hat.

Specialty: Demolitions.

Favorite food: Foot long corndog .

Name: Barry.

Special Hat: Buffalo Wing Hat.

Specialty: Smashing things with a big rock.

Favorite food: Pizza.

Name: Albert.

Special Hat: Ferrari Hat.

Specialty: Completely shaved for extra creepiness.

Favorite food: Popcorn Shrimp.

Name: The Chads.

Special Hats: They share a Pith helmet.

Specialty: Gymkata.

Favorie Food: One likes Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups the other likes Pizza.

Name: Arnold

Special Hat: Got Poker visor (to show off his pompadore).

Specialty: Communications/Demolitions

Favorite food: Chunky Beefburger Soup

There. Try to steal my weed. Try it. I dare you. In fact I want you to try. Team CHEWBACCA, if you need me, I’ll be in the tub.

I pass on the dutchie to the legalized side.

Last Saturday Toronto had its 12th annual  Global Marijuana March .

Basically a bunch of shitheads that like to smoke pot descend on Queen’s Park to show everyone exactly why marijuana isn’t legalized yet.

They wear stupid hats.

The wear stupid sunglasses.

They wave stupid flags.

They carry stupid signs.

They smoke out of stupid giant bongs.

There’s a lot of hacky sac.

And drum circles.

And that terrible, terrible music that only heavy pot use can create.

Now I’m not against pot smoking but do I want to see all that bullshit out in the open everyday? No way. Some might say that this is just a festival atmosphere and that people wouldn’t act like that all the time. Maybe but if marijuana was legal in Ontario then it would just attract a lot of hippy-dippy weed freaks from other provinces/countries that would act like that. Marijuana doesn’t need to be legal anyways, at least not in Canada. It’s easy to get. All those 40,000 stoners at the march seemed to have no problem getting it. It’s also pretty hard to get arrested for it. You either have to be selling it, driving while stoned and have it on you or be really, really obvious and do something really, really stupid while smoking it.



Even the Marijuana March people brag that in 12 years they haven’t had one arrest. Although this year a guy did fall out of a tree and is now in critical condition.

I like how the reporter says, Sometime around 4:20. Ha ha ha. Good one. What the hell was he doing 20 to 30 meters up a tree anyway? That’s like 60 or 70 feet! I’ve got a few ideas what he was doing up there. Drum roll please.

Johnny Creepshow’s top 10 Reasons the Stoner was Up the Tree.


10) The wind blew his green stripped Cat in the Hat hat up there.

9)He was marching on stilts (to show people why pot should be legal) and he crashed into it.

8) A condor grabbed him and on discovering that his dreadlocks wasn’t a delicious rat king dropped him up there.

7) He traded his binoculars for a pendent containing an authentic ounce of Tommy Chong’s bong water.

6) He was retrieving one of his girlfriends Devil Stix.

5) He’s a tree hugging hippy and was giving it a back rub.

4) He was passing the dutchie to God.

3) He was making his own papers

2) He was using Natural Google Earth.

1) He wanted to get high.

Ba-dum-dum, tisshh!

If they really want the government to legalize marijuana then maybe they should all smoke up and go out and do something useful. You know, pick up litter or help the homeless. Show people that pot smokers can be productive members of society. But no. Instead they get together, smoke up and do things like this.

And this.

And this.

Now I wanted to end this post with a video clip of Steve Sanders from 90210 in the episode where he gets addicted to smoking weed and there’s that scene where he’s laying on the floor at the foot of his bed smoking pot and crying.

But I thought that would leave you with the message that I’m against pot (that and I couldn’t find it). So instead I’ll leave you with a clip from the episode where Steve is forced to wear a dress. I think it’s something that pot smokers and non-pot smokers can both enjoy.

 

And besides, he kind of looks like Marilyn Munroe and she smoked pot.



And here’s Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking pot just because I love this picture.

Enjoy your day folks.