Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0005

Oh wise and powerful internet. I kneel before you and lay at your feet (or wheels or wires or whatever the fuck you have) this offering of floppy disks.

I only ask that in return you bring forth the answer to this question that has troubled me for so long.

Question 5: Whatever happened to white dog poop?

I know this question and its subject has been the butt of many a retro joke by modern comics. Sarah Silverman wrote a song about it. Will Ferrell was forced to lick it in Step Brothers.



And I’m sure Dane Cook has got about two hours of material on it. And I think Good Luck Chuck might have been made out of it.

But all that aside, what DID happen to white dog poop? I remember seeing it all the time when I was a kid. It was weird and white and if you tried to get it on the end of a stick to chase someone with it, you couldn’t. It was hard and it would just crumble. Sometimes the guy across the street from my house would be mowing his lawn and he’d run over a piece and you’d hear this clanking noise and then it would fly out the side of the mower like a bullet, skid across the road and explode against the curb. It was the only thing funnier than watching him run over the electric mower cord. He should have got a Jacobsen.



Or a sheep.

But now it’s all gone. What happened to it? Was it only made by a certain breed that no longer exists? Did aliens discover that it’s an excellent alternative fuel source and come down and take it all? Maybe King Haggard (there’s a name you kind of have to grow into) moved on to destroying it after he finally killed the last Unicorn?

This movie was essentially 92 minutes of animated van art.

Appease me Magic Internet. Unleash your Red Bull to hunt down the elusive white dog poop. Or at least tell me the story of its demise.

Beep. Click. Clack. Booooop. (new wave album sound, eh) Zuuurp. Zip. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Munch, munch. Mmmm, I love floppy disks. I haven’t had one in sooo long. I think this one had Choplifter on it. Thanks Johnny. Now, the answer to your question has two parts. The first part deals with the changes to ingredients in dog food and the changes to dogs’ diets over the years. 30 years ago many dog owners purchased real bones from the butcher for their dogs to eat or chew on.

But supermarkets eventually changed the way most people buy meat and pet food companies realized that most people thought real bones were gross. So they started making fake ones out of things like rawhide.

Oops, not that kind of rawhide. This kind:

File Photo: Mmmmm.

You see the subtraction of real bones in dogs’ diets and the decrease in bone meal in dog food means that today’s dogs are ingesting a lot less calcium then the dogs of the 70s and 80s. It’s this calcium that gave old dog logs their white colour and chalky consistency.

But wait, you say. It’s not white when it comes out the dog’s butt. How does it get that way? It takes time for white dog poop to become white. Essentially all of the organic matter in the poop needs to be consumed, leaving behind the calcium. Much like a body decomposes until there’s only a skeleton left behind.

I say chaps. I’m feeling like white dog shit today. I think perchance I might be dead.

And that brings us to the second part of your answer. Some dogs today may still be consuming diets rich in calcium but dog owners and city cleanup crews are much more diligent in the removal K-9 paydays and thus said turds are not left around long enough to turn white. Please allow Al Jaffee to elaborate.

So there is the snappy answer to your stupid question. Now if you’ll excuse me all this talk about dogs retro rump cigars has left me feeling a tad queasy. Uh oh, oh no!

RAAAAALLLLLLPPPHHHH!

Burp. Hmm, I feel much better. Oh and here’s a freebie that you might get a kick out of considering today’s question. You wondered earlier about the nature of my feet. Well today I’m wearing. Drum roll please…

Vintage white loafers! Rim shot!

Get it?

Why are you shaking your head?

Help take a bite out of crime (easy on the Tabasco).

The city of Toronto has been drenched by a scatological crime wave!

Hi kids, McGruff the Crime Dog here. Johnny Creepshow has asked me to give all you Torontonian readers a special warning to be on the look out for these shitty thieves.

They’re wanted for a series of ATM customer robberies in which one thief squirts feces on the victim while the others rob him or her while attempting to help clean the victims clothing. (Wouldn’t it be easier just to rob them?) Johnny Creepshow thinks they may have come up with the idea while watching CKY’s infamous Shit Dollar prank staring Bam Margera from Jackass. Possibly while high. (Both the thieves and Bam.)



Now me being a dog I don’t quite understand what the problem is. I roll in feces all the time. In fact it’s like Joop to me. Hell, before I started taking bites out of crime I was known to even take a bite or two out of my own turds. Until my owner started putting Tabasco sauce on them. That shit is hot. (No pun intended.) But my colleague Police Constable Tony Vella seems to think that being covered in feces causes humans to go into emotional shock. I don’t know about emotional shock but try going for a pack of raw hot dogs with one of these babies on and you’ll feel a shock alright.

Johnny Creepshow says the Jackass guys know all about that too.



The suspects are described as Hispanic and may be in the possession of squeeze bottles or containers of liquid feces. However I’m unclear wither it’s human feces or dog feces. If it’s dog feces then the suspects are endless. Every day when I go for my walk I see countless individuals picking up dog logs and securing them in small plastic bags. Are they using them as distraction tools? Who knows?

Someone that would subject a dog to this is capable of anything.

If the feces is human then the suspects are just as numerous. Because it’s a well know fact that everyone poops.

Thankfully not everyone poops for the purpose of crime or my job would be a lot harder.

Something else we need to consider is the fact that the feces was liquid. That means one of two things. Either they’re watering down regular feces (Seriously, wouldn’t it be easier just to rob them?) or they’re using diarrhea.



Once again the K9 or human differentiation becomes a major factor. If the diarrhea is human then a DNA sample coupled with surveillance of Taco Bells near the crime scenes could result in quick arrests.

Exhbit A: Volcano Taco

But dog diarrhea is much more difficult for your average thief to get a hold of. No one knows where or when it will appear. I mean I could be standing here, giving you nice citizens a public service announcement while drinking this delicious glass of chicken fat I found cooling on Constable Tony Vella’s desk and… uh oh Awoooooooooooooooo!

Awww, it’s all over my trench coat. I’m gonna have to go get it dry cleaned. I don’t look like a crime fighter without it. Plus it hides my lipstick. Gotta go kids but remember, be vigilant and help take a bite of crime!

Weirder Science: on Whoppers, shits and crabs.

I want to take a minute to talk to you all about science.

Now I’m not talking about computer science. I think I’ve said all there is to say about that. No, I’m talking about the lab coat, test, tube, Bunsen burner, beaker kind of science.

Science has always been a mystery to the majority of mankind. Hundreds of years ago in the Middle Ages or dark ages (the time when everyone went from being kind of smart to really dumb again) there were wizards. Wizards weren’t really magic, they just new more about science then everybody else. Which wasn’t hard considering people back then thought bathing in urine was good for their skin.

(World’s first nerd.)

Now a day’s most people are introduced to the wonders of science as children. Some uncle or grandparent probably gave you a chemistry set when you were young.

Or if you were lucky you got the Mad Scientist Monster Lab.



Unless you were a girl, then you got one of these.

That’s why there are no girl scientists. Except for those ones you see on TV working in the Coors Light lab.

When you get a bit older you get to have science class.

Some people find out that they’re smart and like science class. But most of us just sit there laughing at our dead rat’s junk and repeatedly turning on the Bunsen burner gas because it smells like farts.

Those people that liked science have gone on to work in labs and hospitals and think tanks where they solve all the little problems that make our lives easier and more delicious.

Sounds perfect doesn’t it? Wrong! Scientists may get credit for their work but that’s about all they get. Let me give you an example. Right now Burger King probably has a team of scientists working around the clock finding ways to make the Whopper more delicious. But even if those scientists manage to bend the laws of physics and cram more bacon and cheese into that shitty burger then is humanly possible making it irresistible to fat fucks what do they get? A pat on the back or maybe a bonus if they’re lucky. Meanwhile the Burger King is partying on their scientific dime.



So it’s only a matter of time before scientists wake up, realize they’re undervalued and start exploiting stupid people just like everyone else. And it’s already begun. Time for another example.

There’s a company in Knoxville, TN called  BioPet Vet Lab. They offer DNA dog breed analysis, DNA proof of dog parentage and DNA storage for companion animals. This sounds like worthy service for the discerning breeder or dog owner. But BioPet Vet Lab also offers something they call the PooPrints Program.

This is a program directed at those asnine, anal retentive people that live in gated communites or condos. The way it works is that everyone that owns a dog submits their dogs DNA to BioPet Labs for storage. Then if anyone’s dog shits in the community and the owner doesn’t pick it up, the poo can be sent to BioPet Labs for analysis and they will reveal who the guilty dog is.

This is stupid for so many reasons.

- You’d have to get everyone to agree to have their dog’s DNA taken and filed. But that’s ok. I’m sure people that live in gated communities have no issues with privacy.

- What’s to stop someone from handing in another dog’s shit and claiming it as their own dogs shit? Athletes and drug addicts do it with piss all the time. And to pass a fake dog log you wouldn’t even need a Wizzinator.

- It says you have to send the offending turd in to BioPet Labs for analysis. I don’t think sending shit through the mail is legal. But then how did Columbia House manage to send people all those Jimmy Eat World CDs ?

(Jimmy Eat Shit is more like it.)

- What if it’s not dog shit at all? What if it’s human? I for one would be out there shitting just to watch the PooPrints program go down in Who done it? accusatory flames. I might even dawn a trench coat and play Columbo, questioning and requestioning my neighbors on their bathroom habits.

(Here’s a hint: That’s not a cigar.)

- Wouldn’t it be easier and less expensive just to install some CCTV cameras? Not only would it catch unwanted dog shitters but it might also keep members of the community safe from burglars, rapists, murders and terrorists. Dangers that aren’t as prevalent as dog shit but dangerous none the less.

Oh well, it’s not like we didn’t see this coming. And if you do get nailed by your neighbor through doggy DNA shit detection our modern exploitative scientists have the perfect way for you to get revenge. Crab Revenge!