Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0042

 I was perusing one of the numerous Simpsons reruns last night. It was the one where Side Show Bob fakes his own death. (Actually that probably refers to several episodes involving Side Show Bob.) But in this one Bart ends up in a coffin about to be cremated when the Simpson family bursts in and Homer picks up a cardboard box marked unclaimed ashes and throws a handful in Bob’s face while yelling Eat hobo ash! Needles to say I found this highly amusing. I’d show you the clip but it doesn’t seem to be online.  So I will placate you with this equally amusing classic Simpsons hobo scene:

But that hobo ash thing got me thinking. What happens to all the hobos and crackheads and John and Jane Does that wind up unclaimed at the morgue? They can’t keep them in the lost and found forever.

Sooner or later they’ve got to clean out the fridge.

And cremation would seem the most logical solution. It would make them easier to store and/or dispose of. Hey maybe they sell it off as like a souvenir. The L.A. County Coroner’s Office sells all kinds of souvenir crap.

Hey what’s that I see in the corner?

Genuine hobo ashes in handy display bottles!

Or they could sell bags of it for your garden.

Just like zoo poo!

Actually that seems a little morbid, even for a Coroner’s Office with a gift shop. Probably better to sell it off to a big corporation for some shady purpose. It could be what’s fleshing out Chicken McNuggets. Do you know how they make those things?

Let's just say you’d rather have a tour of the morgue than the McNugget Factory.

But seriously what does happen to all the unclaimed bodies at the morgue? Let’s ask the Magic Internet and put my mind at ease.

Question 42: What happens to unclaimed bodies at the morgue?

Hobo Ops - watch more funny videos

Magic Internet Answer: You humans are always asking question about death. In my days of endless Googling I can tell you that there are much stranger and more fearsome questions to be asked about you human’s lives. But it is a valid question and one of your less stupid so I will answer it. A body only winds up at a coroner’s office if the death is deemed to be violent or suspicious or the body is unclaimed. Unclaimed bodies are categorized in to three types: unidentified corpses, identified corpses unclaimed by family members or identified corpses whose family cannot be reached. In the cases of the later 2 there can be many different reasons why the body remains unclaimed. The deceased may have been someone that moved around a lot with no fixed address. They may be an immigrant with no family nearby or their family may not wish to incur the cost and responsibility that comes with claiming the body.  In these situations the coroner’s office will do its best to return the body to the family.

Attn dead guy: If your last request involves something like this. Good luck getting claimed.

They will usually keep the body for about 30 days but it could be as little as a week depending on the office and the space available. When the allotted time is up the body is scanned, dental x-rays are taken as well as DNA samples for a record and then the body is removed for a low cost burial or cremation. The samples taken can be filed indefinitely in the hopes that the body can be identified at a later date. The Ontario Provincial Police have even released some of this information onto a website for the public to view in hopes they can help. But if an unidentified body is part of an ongoing or open investigation it could remain at the morgue for a very long time. Bodies are normally kept at a temperature of 4C but if the body is to be kept longer it will be kept at much colder -20C. In fact the Toronto coroner’s office has the body of a female murder victim found 35 years ago still in its freezer.

Yikes Magic Internet. Stuck in Toronto at -20C for 35 years!

Insert Canadian winter joke here.

But maybe it’s better to be safe than sorry. One week seems a little premature. They could just be hibernating.

Insert 2^nd Canadian winter joke here.

Just as long as they make sure they’re actually dead. Hell Bernie Lomax was dead for a week and nobody noticed. So it could work in reverse. They could be a Hard Man Fe Dead. Right Prince Buster?

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0041

Do you have those bottle people in your neighborhood? You know those people that come around and collect empty wine bottles and beer cans?

These guys.

We’ve got a few of them in my neighborhood. Some I just see now and again and don’t really recognize but some I see almost every day while walking the dog. This morning there was a standoff between two of the regulars. The guy with the wheely cart that looks kind of like an uglier, weirder Kurt Cobain

He looks kinda like this.

was standing facing a fence chain smoking.

And the little old Chinese lady with the shopping cart

She looks exactly like this.

was up the street sitting on the curb yelling at him in Chinese. I’m not sure if he was just ignoring her or holding back a psychotic episode but he looked like he was in a bad place. Eventually a construction worker that was working on the house where Kurt was standing came out and seemed to defuse the situation somewhat. He asked both parties what they were doing. Kurt mumbled something about smoking and Chinese lady shouted some more in Chinese. The construction guy then fell back on his well honed standoff training and told them both to Get lost!

If only someone had said that to David Koresh, this never would have happened.

But this whole neighborhood-cat-like bottle collector standoff was bound to have happened sooner or later. No one likes someone honing in on their racket. There are only so many bottles and cans for the picking. The thing I don’t get is how they can be out there every single day. It’s like a job to them. Sure I guess there’s the fresh air and the exercise. And it’s nice to be your own boss. You can do what you want when you want how you want. Like Dr. Fad!

Today I send out 40,000 Whacky Wall Walkers while wearing only lobster bib and boner.

But can you really make a living doing that? I always figured it was for people looking for a quick bit of money but who knows. Maybe they know something that I don’t Maybe it’s a lucrative business. Maybe the real Kurt Cobain should have picked up bottles and cans instead of picking up a guitar. He was good at picking up garbage.

I don’t know. What do you think Magic Internet?

Question 41: Can you make a living collecting empty bottles and cans?



Magic Internet Answer: To answer this question we must question the factors involved. Firstly, what is the monetary value of the alcoholic beverage containers being collected? Before February 5th, 2007 only beer bottles and cans were returnable at Ontario Beer Stores. But under the new Ontario Deposit Return Program all wine, beer and spirit bottles are returnable. The value of these containers is as follows:

Containers 631mls or over carry a $0.20 deposit

Containers less than 631mls but more than 100 ml. (including cans) carry a $0.10 deposit.

Containers less than 100mls are worthless.

Next we must factor in how many of these containers can be collected in an hour. If a collector spends 3-5 minutes per household and collects an average of 4 containers at each stop they should be able to collect an average of 60 containers per hour. Now if we are generous and say that one quarter of these containers holds more than 631 mls then the average hourly monetary gain will be $7.50. Well below the current Ontario minimum wage of $10.25 an hour but still possibly enough to live on. But an 8 hour day of collecting would amount to 480 containers collected over some 120 locations. Though it may be possible to visit this many locations by following a daily refuse pick up route one would need a means of transporting all said containers with them and then transporting them to the Beer Store for deposit. The sheer volume of 480 assorted beverage containers would require a large cart or wagon that would be difficult to handle thus slowing down process.

This lady could help make the cans more manageable. Course you might need another cart for hers.

Bonus: The look on the host’s face.

That is truly frightening Johnny. The final problem in full time container collection is that the Beer Store will only accept a maximum of 120 containers for deposit per visit. So in order to deposit all 480 containers in one day you would have to visit somewhere between 2-4 Beer Stores per day. This would not only cut into your daily pick up schedule and cause you to lose containers but could easily turn your 8 hour day into 10. So on final analysis, yes you could make a living collecting empty bottles and cans but you would have to work long hours for less than minimum wage.

Hmm. All of a sudden picking up a guitar does sound like a more lucrative option. Unless you’re in the The Zit Remedy.



Thanks MI!

I hate the men's room.

The men’s room is a horrifying place.

When women visit a public washroom they often go in groups and spend an inordinate amount of time in there chatting, applying makeup and doing whatever else it is that women do in the ladies room. When a man has to use the men’s room, it’s like a mission behind enemy lines. Go it alone. Don’t be spotted. Touch as little as possible. Get in and out quickly and stay alive.

File Photo: Alternate Men’s Room sign

Men’s rooms are gross. That’s because men are gross. I’m in no way one of those obsessive compulsive clean freaks but after the things I’ve seen, I can fully understand why someone would do everything in their power to avoid public bathrooms all together. You want to know? You really want to know? Ok, I’ll tell you. But you’ve been warned. Where do I begin? Let’s start with…

Urinals

The urinal is about the only thing I’ll use in the men’s room. The stalls are just too scary (I’ll explain later.) There are essentially 2 types of urinals:

The high.

And the low.

Possibly the inspiration for Ah Ha’s, Hunting High & Low album.

Bonus: What’s that one guy doing with his ass?

The low type is the rarer of the two and by far the worst. Sure it makes it easier to aim so there’s less pee on the floor but unless you make sure to aim for that sweet spot somewhere in the middle, you’re going to get splash back on your feet or even worse on your pants. And the sweet spot on every one is different. I swear these things were designed by those carnys that run the ball in the peach basket scam game.

Step right up to the urinal! Don’t get piss on yourself and win a feathered roach clip or an Ah Ha decorative mirror!

Even with the high urinals you could still wind up with back splash as they tend to suddenly flush on their own when you’re in mid stream. Oh and sometimes they’re full of pubes!

I don’t know how this happens? Are there men out there that unzip and just start shedding like dogs? Or do they stand their finger combing their gorilla salad into the urinal while they whizz? I don’t even know why I’m asking these questions because frankly, I don’t want to know. And that’s another thing, this whole Willy Watcher bogeyman that everyone is afraid of. So many men think that someone is going to look at their junk when they’re taking a leak. You see them cupping their hand to hide it or forgoing the urinal all together and pissing in the stall. Some urinals even have little dividers.

These one’s feature smoked glass, allowing your penis to be well lit but still maintain its privacy.

I’m not sure if it’s feelings of male inadequacy (the money generated annually from products related to small wiener worry must run into the billions) or homophobia (you’d have to be a pretty hard up gay guy to resort to scoping wangs at the urinal) or both (I don’t even want to know about the inner turmoil of a homophobic man that’s worried some homo is going to think he has a small penis). But you know what? I don’t care. If someone is going to steal a glance at my junk while I pee, so be it. I won’t know because I won’t be looking at him. But try as you might, there are certain men in the men’s room that are pretty hard to unsee. Like the toddler pisser.

Now I’ve never seen the full on pants and underwear down variety of toddler pisser but I know someone that has. The worst I’ve seen is pants down with light blue Fruit of the Looms. It doesn’t sound as bad until I tell you I saw it about once a week at a place I used to work and the man looked a lot like Gene Shalit.

Worse than the toddler pisser though is the gunslinger. This is the guy that already has it out when he’s about 12 feet from the urinal. You zip up turn and BANG! I got hit with one of those a couple months ago and the guy was like 80.

I still get flash backs at the 7-11 counter.

But all that aside the urinals are still your safest bet. And it could be worse. In the UK a lot of places have those troughs.

I heard a story once about a boy lighting a paper boat on fire and sending it down one of these when everyone was lined up after a football match. Classic.

Or how about Bangkok?

Scary!

Speaking of scary, cue the voodoo jungle drums because it’s time for number  part 2…

The Stalls.

My advice to you is don’t. Just don’t. But sometimes when the lineup for the urinal is too long or you really have to go, a man’s gotta suck it up and be a man in the men’s room. And let me tell you, preparing to enter a men’s room stall is like a detective preparing to enter a murder scene. You hold your breath and pray it isn’t too bad.

File Photo: Too bad.

To those men that have no qualms about hankering down and dropping them off, see that handly thing up there to the left? That’s the flush. Use it. I don’t want to be greeted by that pile of bangers and mash you’ve so callously left to disintegrate in the bowl.

The men’s room daily lunch special.

But honestly that’s the least of your worries. There can be poo on the floor, poo on the seat, poo smeared on the walls. Anything goes in there. Men’s room stalls offer up that public anonymity that let disgusting people be disgusting. The men’s room stall is like a prototype for the modern internet comments section. This reminds me of the one lighter side of entering a stall, the  bathroom graffiti. Sure you get your usual suspects. You know, so and so sucks dick, so and so is a slut, the odd racist comment and crude depictions of the female anatomy. But sometimes you come across some real gems. Here are a few of my favorites:

Show me that smile again! (surrounded by music notes)
- In the stall of the now closed Tap bar in the Annex


Free cowboy hats.
- Below the seat cover dispenser, don’t remember where.


A detailed drawing depicting a man with 3 dicks and sperm with wavy lines coming out of them. The caption underneath read, Man of the future.
- Burlington Leon’s men’s room.


Welcome to a dumping experience.
- I want to say the El Mocambo but I’m not sure.


Here be Ghoulies.
- Stall in the Skillet Zellers restaurant, Applebly Mall Burlington circa mid 80s.

That last one always scared me as a kid because I was afraid of monsters in the toilet after seeing Ghoulies.



But you don’t have to enter the men’s room stall to live in fear of it, oh no. Much like the urinals there are a few special types of stall users that can bring the experience to you. Like the J. Edger Pooper. Legend has it that J. Edger Hoover the infamous head of the FBI used to like to hold meetings in the men’s room while he was taking a shit.

By the looks of him, those were looooong meetings.

Now with the never ending use of the cell phone, Poopers can pay homage to Hoover by conducting their own meetings while on the can. And if you’re in the men’s room you get to overhear every word of it. If you listen carefully you can hear the audible strain and lowering of tone in the voice as he dispatches a particularly vicious dead otter into the bowl. Or worse yet is the assassin. You think you're alone in the men’s room until you hear the faintest of shuffles or catch the reflection of feet in the men’s room mirror as you wash your hands.

The assassin doesn’t make a sound while anyone is in ear shot. But don’t linger by the door on your way out. For as soon as he feels he’s alone, he’ll let loose mercilessly. But worst of all is the Dumb and Dumper. He just doesn’t care. He’ll burst through the men’s room door and head for the stall at full hustle. (This is top speed for the D & D.) Your final warning might be an inarticulate below or a revolting declaration (Something along the lines of, I gotta shit large!) before he just unloads.

This type of man epitomizes the horror that is the men’s room experience.

And that’s it. I’m done. I’ve dwelled on this for far to long. Smell you later. Hopefully not in the men’s room.

P.S. An honorable mention goes to the drunk guy that pisses in the bathroom sink instead of waiting in line. You truly are a retched human being.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0040

I was reading the other day that every dog’s nose is different and you can identify a dog by its nose print!

We’ll no more when we get your crotch down to the lab and dust it for prints.

Maybe they should start a database of dog nose prints. You could get your dog’s nose print on file with the vet and then you wouldn’t have to get your dog micro-chipped or tattooed.

Lost: 2 yo white Pitbull named Mayhem. Looks like this. Has matching tattoo of my head on its belly also surrounded flames. Note: Actual dog’s head not on fire.

The shelters would have a little device that scans the dog’s nose and runs the scan through a database and presto, you get your dog back. I think it’s a good idea. But then again I think these are a good idea too:

Pro: They allow for better control of my peanut butter intake.

Con: Mutton doesn’t get to lick the knife.

Hey, speaking of licking, did you know that every tongue is different too. It’s true. Every tongue has a distinctive pattern just like a finger print. I wonder if a tongue print has ever helped solve a crime. We could ask McGruff but he’s busy sniffing some guy’s crotch or eating his own logs or something, so let’s ask the Magic Internet.

Question 40: Has a tongue print ever been used as evidence in a criminal trial?



Magic Internet Answer: There is no known record of a tongue print or impression being used as evidence in a criminal investigation. There have been many cases in which saliva and the DNA contained within has been used to convict a suspect and a few cases where teeth have been matched to bite marks on victims but no tongues.

Oh well. How many criminals are going to go around leaving tongue prints anyway? And can you imagine having to go down to a police station and lick the same pad as all those other criminals!

Shudder.

Although I don’t think this guy would have a problem with that.



Smell ya later folks.

Macho Man Randy Savage November 15, 1952 – May 20, 2011 R.I.P.

Ooooooh Yeeeeeeah! Ooooooh Nooooooo!

Randal Mario Poffo better known as Macho Man Randy Savage died this morning after suffering a heart attack while driving that caused him to veer off the road into a tree. This was confirmed by his brother Lanny Poffo.

Better known as the The Genius.

As I’ve said before I was never a huge wrestling fan, more of a casual admirer. All major WWF matches and Slams were big topics of discussion in the school yard so I had to at least keep up with current events. I don’t recall how I felt about Macho Man in his hay day. I assume I disliked him as he was often portrayed as the villain. But 25 years later I just can’t get enough of him. Those Slim Jim commercials:

You know kids, it’s just a school play. You don’t have to be in it. And who knew biting into a Slim Jim makes things explode?

Except maybe your heart!

Ouch, too soon Gilbert. His talk show interviews:



And best of all, his pre-match interviews:

I am in love with this clip and I will never get tired of it.

Look Randy. I don’t know if you were crazy, or on drugs or just an amazing actor but one thing you will always be is damn entertaining. You’ll be missed and never forgotten. Ooooooooh Yeeeeeeeah!!!



Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0039.

You know what I’ve been thinking about lately? Burials at sea.  Last week when I heard that Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea it reminded me that I used to have a big fascination with this practice. It all started after I saw  James Bond's funeral in You Only Live Twice.

How fucking cool is that?! He even had a fully functioning office on a submarine! Complete with hat rack! After I saw that movie I’d take this plastic toy mummy into the bath with me and pretend it was Bond faking his own death.

I’m pretty sure it was this one out of the 1970 Secret’s of the Mummy’s Tomb G.I. Joe play set.

Bond would solemnly slide of the edge of the tub into his watery grave somewhere down around my junk only to be stealthily retrieved by my Actionman SAS Frogman that I got from John Menzies in Scotland.

 

Exhibit A: Actionman SAS Frogman.

 

Exhibit B: John Menzies

Saddly, unlike agent 007, both are no longer with us. I guess Bond got a burial at sea because he was supposed to have been in the Royal Navy. But it’s not a bad gig when you think about it. They just stick you in the ocean and then the fish eat you, very environmentally friendly. And maybe when Richard Branson gets his Virgin deep sea tours thing going,

 

It looks like a cross between an old Fischer Price toy and a Lindt chocolate bar

your skeleton can wave at everyone like one of those fish tank ornaments.

What are the rules for being buried at sea? Are there any? I thought the ocean was like no man’s land where you can gamble, shoot fireworks, and put Freon in your car’s AC. Do you have to contact anyone? It seems kind of weird just going out there and dumping a body without telling anyone. Magic Internet. Up periscope!

Question 39: Are there any laws for burials at sea?

Magic Internet Answer: There are a number of laws keeping an individual from merely dumping a human body in the ocean. Human remains present a sanitation and public health risk so most countries have strict laws governing their transportation. The body will have to be properly embalmed or at least in a sealed casket and a copy of a death certificate must travel with the body.

 

Or you could go the cheaper and more hilarious route of just purchasing a pair of sunglasses.

Once you are sea bound there are further laws governing the disposal of human remains at sea. And keep in mind that when you are in international waters you are to obey the laws of your vessel’s home country. In Canada, burial at sea is covered under the Environmental Protection Act and a permit must be applied for at least 8 weeks in advance. 

8 weeks! I’d hate to be in that line up.

Most funeral homes that deal with burials at sea apply for the permit yearly in advance so that they do not have to wait 8 weeks before burial. A fee of $2500 must also be paid to the Receiver General for the permit. The body will also require a medical certificate stating that it is free of any disease that may become waterborne and a notification of the intent to bury at sea must be made in a local news paper.

Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be allowed to Twitter it soon.

Sup Bros! I’m dead. LOL

The deceased must also be identified with a permanent identification tag that includes the phone number of the funeral home in case the body resurfaces or is dragged up by fishing vessels.

Hey, this one’s wearing Grandad’s wedding ring!

For this reason also the burial must be in at least 200 meters of water and be at least 3 nautical miles from land. It is also recommended that the coffin be made of wood or steel and be of a sufficient size to hold the body plus at least 90 kilograms of additional weight to hold down the body.

Finally! A use for my old gold weights.

It is also recommended that you drill at least 12 holes at least 2 centimeters in diameter to allow for quick flooding of the casket and to allow gases to escape during decomposition. Then all that is left is to say some words of good bye and commit the body to its watery grave.

Not exactly how I picture my funeral ,

but thanks Magic Internet.