Fart Masters of Hollywood.

We’ll return to Small Wonder right after this paid infomercial.

Hello future celebrities. Chris "Blue" Angel here.

Are your auditions a drag because you can’t act your way out of a bag?

Do you want to be a hit like Brad Pitt but your face looks like shit?

I want to give YOU the key to unlocking the secrets of  Hollywood’s professional film farters .

I have concealed my identity for the duration of this broadcast.

I

Because the farting secrets that I can reveal to you in my new book Fart Masters of Hollywood could see me kicked out of the Film Farters Guild (the FFG) by my fellow Skunk Men.

No Snitching!

One thing that certainly isn’t a secret is that there is BIG money to be made for someone that can force fart on command and do it right. Don’t believe me? Just ask Red “Thunder-Clap” Jones. He worked as Eddie Murphy’s Skunk Double in The Nutty Professor.


This movie made over 273 million dollars people!

My book Fart Masters of Hollywood will show you how to prepare for an audition and maximize your fartential. Today’s top actors follow strict regimes of diet and exercise that leave them unable to blast block buster gas.

Chapter one gives you my daily dietary recommendations that will give you the fuel to rule Hollywood.

Arnold Schwarzenegger muscled his way into Hollywood and now you can too.

The sphincter is a muscle that few know how to exercise right. In Chapter two of Fart Masters of Hollywood I pass on to you the seven essential exercises I learned from the nameless Pink Flamingos star known only ass The Singing Asshole If you’ve seen the film you’ll know why learning his secrets will have you clenching top spot at the box office and nipping off the competition.

Once you’ve got your O-ring obeying your every command like Lassie then it’s time to get gassy. Hollywood Gas Masters third and final chapter deals with range and technique. In it you’ll learn things like the pump action, the slow balloon, the one cheek sneak and complete and total mastery of the Silent But Deadly (with guilty grin). There are tips on leg lifting, hand wafting, cupping and releasing and even throwing your ass. With an arse-nal like that you’ll have no problem blowing directors away. Need more proof? Ferris “Bugle” Malone recorded both parts for this scene from Extreme Movie in one take just 6 months after reading my book!



Look, it’s 2 PM. You’re on the couch. You’re watching Small Wonder. Meanwhile I’m on my solid gold Yacht farting elephant cheques.

(the S. S. Bought With the Wind)

You need to write a cheque for your future. Just four easy payments of $19.95. It’s like a gentle sulfurous breeze through your bank account. Order now and I’ll also include this microphone spray shield so you can go into your first audition looking like a pro.

Now I’ve got to get back into the studio.

I’m recording a special request for Larry the Cable Guy’s Blue Collar Celebrity Wedding.

Trust me. Fart Masters of Hollywood works! Pick up the phone. Make the call. Who knows, you could be the next Farting Garry.

Johnny knows the ladies: the origin of Stud Muffin

Where did the term Stud Muffin come from?

I can understand the stud part. That’s derived from the term for a male horse. All women love horses. It’s in their blood. They even make a calendar about it.

(Women seem to like calendars too.)

You see, women’s love of horses has caused them to objectify men using horse-like terminology.

For more on this see the episode of the Cosby Show where Theo and Cockroach are overheard by Denise referring to good looking women as Burgers. Denise then counters by referring to good looking men as Clydesdales. I can’t find the clip so here’s one of Theo and Cockroach rapping.



So are we all clear on the Stud part? A stud is super hot guy that women find attractive. Here’s one more example. Malibu is definitely a stud.



Now on to the Muffin part.

At first I thought the muffin in Stud Muffin was referring to the guy’s butt. Women like guy’s butts.

(They have calendars for that too.)

A common term used in place of butt is buns. Muffins are kind of like buns, only sweeter. And there it was. The answer was right in front of me. Women like food too. It’s their closest friend and their greatest nemesis.

The muffin part of stud muffin refers to a guy that is sweet and good enough to eat. Like a fresh baked muffin.

There you have it. All the wonders of the female psyche unlocked and exposed. Now guys, when your significant lady friend comes home with one of these.

Or a pair of these.

You can just nod and smile.

Though Dost Command the Ghost of Porky's

Hello folks, Bob Clark’s ghost here.

You probably remember me from when I was alive and I directed the greatest Canadian film of all time… Porky’s.

Yes, it is the movie with the guy with the big wang called Meat and yes it’s the movie with the shower scene where Beulah Ballbricker grabs the other guy’s wang. But enough about my cinematic masterpiece Johnny Creepshow has channeled me from the great beyond because he has an important message he wants me to give you about Our Canadian national anthem.

I know most of you outside of Canada think that it’s this.



But actually it’s this.



Now it seems that the federal government is talking about changing the lyrics. They want to change the line In all thy sons command to… are you ready for it Though dost in us command. Is that even English? I’ll tell you one thing it is. Bull plus shit! This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard since the idea to put O. J.’s murder suit in the Smithsonian! It’s a worse idea then Porky’s III: Porky’s Revenge.

See the Conservatives here think that the line In all thy sons command is sexist. They think that the new lyric Though dost in us command will be more gender neutral. I’ll tell you what’s gender neutral… anyone that sings this new lyric. Seriously you’re just smooth down there. Like a Ken doll.

You.

Who really wants these lyrics changed? I’ll tell you who. A bunch of unsatisfied old feminists and guys that hyphenate their last name when they get married (see Ken doll above). But seeing as we Canadian’s are a democratic bunch we’ll ask the opinions of some other prominent Canadians to see what they have to say on the matter.

Jim Lahey what do you think?

Jim: Just a couple of drinks Bob… just a couple of drinks.

Bob’s Ghost: No Jim. What do you think about changing O Canada?

Jim: What kind of a shit hawk would want to do that? They can go eat a shit sandwich!

Bob’s Ghost: Thanks Jim. Well said.

Bob & Doug Mackenzie. What do you think?

Doug: Take off, eh. If you don’t like our national anthem you can like move, eh. Yea, move to Russia.

Bob: Yeah, there’s no sexism there because it’s too cold, eh.

Doug: Yeah it’s colder there then it is here. And like there’s no sexism because no one can tell if you’re like a guy or a girl, right. Cause you’re all bundled up, eh.

Bob: Hey, did you see that guy’s toque?

Bob’s Ghost: Thanks guys. Interesting theory. Let’s see if we can find someone that’s not drunk. Hey! Jim! Jim Carrey, you’re Canadian what do you think?

Jim Carrey: Smokein!

Bob’s Ghost: No, Jim what do you think about changing O Canada?

Jim Carrey: Smokein!

Bob’s Ghost: No, Jim. Do you think O Canada is sexist?

Jim Carrey: Somebody stop me!

Bob’s Ghost: You know what Jim, never mind. We’ll put you down as undecided.

There you have it. The majority rules. Canadians don’t want their national anthem changed. Christ aren’t we polite enough already? If you don’t like O Canada and think it’s sexist then go fuck yourself. Now I must return to the warm embrace of the crypt. Since you’ve been so good and listened attentively while I conveyed Johnny Creepshow’s important message here’s the scene from Poky’s where Meat pulls the hooker prank on Pee Wee.



Enjoy Humans Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Yippie Kay Yay Smithsonian!

I read in the news this morning that the suit that O. J. Simpson wore to court on the day he was acquitted is going to be donated to the Smithsonian.

For fuck’s sake, are they serious?! Are we really that hard up for artifacts? This seems like something that should be auctioned off on e-bay and eventually bought for some ridicules sum by a casino.

Golden Palace bought this for $10,000

Or it should be hanging over my head at Planet Hollywood while I eat a shitty $15.00 burger.

I'd much rather eat next to Rambo’s bow then O.J.’s guilt ridden suit.

But come on… the Smithsonian?! This is bullshit!! Hell even the glove would be a better artifact.

Plus it’s dangerous to keep the Juice’s stuff. He’s currently in prison for trying to get some of his memorabilia back at gun point. You know when he gets out he’s going to come looking for that suit. And he’s a murder. If you’re standing around looking at that suit when he shows up, it’s pretty safe to say you’re going to die.

You know, I recently went and saw the King Tut exhibit here at the AGO. I was looking at all the artifacts and I was amazed at how intricate and ornate everything was and how it still looked so good after thousands of years. It made me wonder about what we have here and now that people will be looking at thousands of years from now. (Hopefully not O.J.’s fucking suit!)

Seriously. I know everyone thinks that with today’s technology and data storage capabilities we will be able to paint a great picture of what life is like today for our distant relatives but I beg to differ. People are getting stupider and stupider. (A prime example of this is the new show Your Kid Ate What? That debuted on The Learning Channel. I said THE LEARNING CHANNEL the other night.) If we all don’t do something stupid to erase all this digital information then chances are our distant off-spring will be too dumb to figure out how to retrieve and read it.


Zoolander... "In the Computer!"

Germz!!!
MySpace Video

So that only leaves tangible artifacts for future mankind to discover. What will they be? Glad you asked. I have a list.

Baby Toys

Baby toys are simplistic and designed to be chunky and unbreakable. This is so dumb babies don’t bite off and swallow bits of them (this may have something to do with why we keep getting stupider). They also will never breakdown because manufacturers have insured that no chemicals or microbes will transfer from the toy to a baby.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Depending on how dumb future mankind is they will either think we were a brilliant society or a bunch of drooling mush heads obsessed with all things bright and shiny (not far off actually)

Also, do to the fact that diapers don’t seem to break down either, future mankind will also think we were all very small and prone to shitting our pants.



Those Old Giant Reeboks that Skids Wear

I still see rocker guys walking around in these. They’re those really big ones with the thick tongues that stick out and they’re often in immaculate condition. There’s no way that guys like this can be bothered out bidding some Japanese guy for a dead-stock pair on E-bay.

That means that these must be the same ones they bought in like 1984. If they’ve lasted that long there’s no reason they won’t last thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had very poor taste in athletic footwear and, do to ballpoint pen hieroglyphics found on many pairs, someone or something called ACDC once ruled.


Budweiser & Clamato in a Can

No one is going to drink this, so it’s just going to sit in the fridge for thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had no taste buds.


The Sherman Sheep dog toy from Tuffy

My dog Mutton has had this for almost 2 years and there isn’t a scratch on it. Meanwhile she’s ripped apart hundreds of other toys. This thing will burry all of mankind one day.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Analysis of deep core samples taken from the sheep will indicate that we lived off a diet that consisted mainly of a cereal like substance dipped in liquefied chicken guts but that we also craved anything bacon or cheese flavored (again, not far off).



Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses

When all these god damn hipsters die there’s going to be mountains of these laying around.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Do to the vast quantities of Wayfarers being unearthed I’m going to assume that future mankind will see them as some sort of building material. Much like what the Doozers used on Fraggle Rock.



There you have it. That’s what people are going to be looking at in the free-floating, bio-domed Smithsonian of the future. I’d also like to mention that the only other reference point that future man kind will have of our generation is the movie Die Hard 2: Die Harder as TBS will still be playing this 3 times a week and twice on Sundays 10,000 years from now. What will future mankind think learn from Die Hard 2?

Nothing… absolutely nothing.

Short stacks, wheelie poppers and freaks... the bell tolls for thee.

Hi, Johnny Creepshow here. We’ll return to The Regenerated Man shortly but first I want to talk to you all about something.

Computer generated imagery.

CGI has changed the way movies are being made, mostly for the better. Directors now have the tools to truly realize their cinematic dreams. Dreams like this:

Breath-taking.

However for some members of the film making community CGI has become a bane. Let’s take a minute to think about those that Hollywood has pushed aside to make way for technology.



Stuntmen

30 years ago you couldn’t make a decent action movie without stuntmen. Where else are you going to find someone with enough liquor and drugs in their system to decide that trying this is a good idea and still have the ability to pull it off?



With CGI they’re no longer needed. Instead of stunts being performed by someone as cool as the Fall Guy



They’re being designed by fat, sweaty nerds like this

I’ll have you know that Donald Gibb, the man that played Fred “The Ogre” Palowakski in Revenge of the Nerds was a stuntman

And we all now how he feels about nerds.



Creepy Looking Actors

What ever happened to guys like Vincent Schiavelli? He was Hollywood’s go-to guy when ever a film called for a creepy butler, odd ball priest or morbid mortician. I don’t think he’s seen work since Ghost. Now don’t get me wrong, Andy Serkis did a great job providing the voice and movements for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy

But Steve Buscemi could have done just as good a job and all he would have had to do was shave his head.

Come on Hollywood. I know you can dream up some pretty scary dudes with the latest CGI software but sometimes truth is scarier then fiction. Don’t believe me? Ask actor Michael Berryman.

Midgets

Hollywood used to be so kind to midgets. You couldn’t make a Sci-Fi movie without them. Hell, George Lucas was their patron saint. R2-D2 was a midget, the Jawas were midgets, the Ewoks were midgets, those little pig faced guys on Cloud City were midgets. Maybe it should be the other way around and George should be the one worshiping midgets because he never could have made any of the Star Wars movies without them. And don’t get me started on Willow.

So what does George do to repay midget actors for all their hard work? He flips them the big digital bird with his all CGI Star Wars prequels. And they sucked!

Now the great image of Kenny Baker’s R2-D2

has been washed away by the twisted image of hate that is Jar Jar Binks.

And where are all those proud Ewok midgets now? Penny-less and drunk as fuck on the Today Show!



And sorry to mention it again but what about the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Here was a perfect chance for midgets to be thrust into the spotlight again but no. They decide use regular sized actors and shorten them digitally. For shame Peter Jackson. For Shame. Come on Hollywood. Bring back the midgets. At the very least it will make this guy irrelevant.

So next time you’re watching a film and you see some great CGI special effect. Take pause and think of these movie misfits. Passed up for progress. Gone but not forgotten.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled movie The Regenerated Man already in progress.