Christmas with the Creeps 2: That 80s breakdancing movie. The second One.

How about an...

Air Swimmer.

Now we’re talking! I know it looks kind of gay but so does everything else in that picture. You’ve got to see it in action.



Two questions come to mind regarding that commercial. 1: Why were all the kids at that party in bathing suits? And 2: Was that mall they showed the same one that Commando went nuts in?

For my own personal enjoyment, I’m going to say… yes.

But back to Air Swimmers. I think I like them. In a weird, freak people out kind of way. If I had one of those and a time machine I could go back to Woodstock circa 1969 and rule.

Yes master.

Then again if I had a time machine I could go back to 1971 and write Smoke on the Water before Deep Purple does (it’s really easy to play) and rule anyway without even needing the fish.

Yes master.

There are a few problems with the Air Swimmer though. First off you have to fill it up with helium. Unless you’re a clown or a pedophile (most often one in the same) you probably don’t keep a tank of helium at home. That means you can either give it to your children on Christmas morning un-blown up along with a, kid-pointless, speech about how rad it will be 3 days from now when you finally get it filled (note: your child will cast it into the lame pile along with the sox and the educational toys) or you can do the right thing and fill it up before hand. Now,  not only does that mean having to suffer through the pain of going to one of those depressing party stores on Christmas eve but also how do you wrap it?

2 words: You can’t.

And that kind of spoils the surprise. I suppose you could still make it a surprise by flying it into little Timmy’s bedroom on Christmas morning and scaring the living shit out of him but that can be done a lot more cheaply with a real dead fish.

Timmy, wake up, Santa’s here!

But the biggest downfall of the Air Swimmer is that it’s going to pop. You know it is. I’d give it an hour after your kid gets his hands on it to 48 hours tops. And then your child will cry and demand a new one. You can give in if you like but that will just send you into an endless downward spiral of exploding balloon fish, tears and financial hardship. What the Air Swimmer people should do is include a little conciliation prize inside the balloon kind of like a piñata. Nothing major, maybe some candy or a little toy like you get in a Kinder Egg.

Hmm. Maybe include some ear plugs too.

All in all I’d say the Air Swimmer is a pretty cool toy but maybe not for Christmas. It will probably wind up on the bad toy list next year when some stoner kid flies it into his own face while toking up and winds up looking like he’s been hot boxing with Travis the chimp.

Next.

This just in: Gay comic turns gay!

Archie Comics is going to introduce a  homosexual character this year.

I am shocked and appalled! You mean to tell me that Archie Comics still exists? Even when I was a kid you couldn’t give those fucking things away. Surely whatever readership they’ve clung to over the last 20 years or so have died of old age or boredom by now.

(Last year’s Archie Comic Convention)

Now that I think about it I do seem to recall hearing something about Archie finally proposing to Betty or Veronica a year or so ago.

I don’t remember which one he picked because I don’t really give a shit. All I know is if it wasn’t Betty, that girl is going to go Travis the Chimp crazy due to her disturbing obsession with Archie.

So how is a gay character going to cope in Riverdale? Isn’t it perpetually like 1955 there? We all know how small towns in the 50s treated people that were different.

Does Riverdale even have any black people in it? Ok, I just checked, they do. Charles “Chuck” Clayton and his dad Floyd Clayton who is the high school basketball coach (way to think outside the box on that one Archie Comics). Oh, also Archie is in an inter-racial relationship with Josie from Josie and the Pussycats.

(Is that just a costume or is she some kind of manimal?)

So alright, if Riverdale has black people and manimals then maybe they are ready for a gay guy. The problem is they’re only introducing one. That means he’s going to have to seduce someone else from the Archie world. So who do you think swish Kevin Keller will wind up pouring the pork to? Let’s see who he has to choose from.

Archibald “Archie” Andrews

I can’t see it happening. If they made Archie gay, whatever is left of their geriatric fan base would suffer hate strokes. Besides, Archie never changes his clothes and nobody really likes gingers.

Forsyth Pendleton “Jughead” Jones III

Jughead is a definite possibility. He’s described as sarcastic and apathetic towards girls. But he’s also lazy and food obsessed. So Kevin might stay away. Unless he’s into  Feederism.

Reginald “Reggie” Mantel III

Reggie is a strong possibility. He’s sporty, aggressive and outgoing. Plus a deep-rooted closeted homosexuality would explain his mean spiritedness and bullying. He is a little self absorbed though.

Reggie might go the Liberace route and force Kevin to have plastic surgery and dress like him so he can have sex with himself.

Marmaduke “Moose” Mason

I don’t know. He’s seems a little too typical dumb jock to be anything more then a one night keg-stand. Although after seeing this I’m not so sure.

So who’s it going to be? It doesn’t matter. Archie has always been gay. Until recently it’s just been the lame and terrible gay. Now it will be every kind of gay. If I was gay I’d be less happy about gays breaking down a barrier by gaining a voice in this gay comic and more upset that gays are being associated with a comic that’s so gay. Anyway, I’ll leave you all pondering what the fuck this Archie comic means. Adios homos.

P.S. In 2003 Archie Comics issued a cease and desist letter to the Dad’s Garage Theatre Company in Atlanta the day before they were supposed to open a play about Archie coming out of the closet and moving to New York. The play was called Archie’s Weird Fantasy. Archie Comics thought that if Archie was portrayed as gay (in a terrible play at some tiny theatre that no one is going to see) that it would tarnish his image. And now look at them. See, I told you that gay comic is gay.