Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0029

There was an albino boa constrictor on CP24 this morning. It looked just like that one that Salma Hayak dances with in From Dusk Til Dawn.



I was kind of hoping it would strangle the host Steve Anthony like that snake did to the stripper in Striptease after her original snake dies and they went out and got her another snake and didn’t tell her.

I couldn’t find a video of that but here’s a picture of the best part of Striptease.

Burt Reynolds covered in Vaseline.

What is it with strippers and snakes? Why do guys like to watch a woman dance with a snake? Is it because they think it’s exotic? Or do they imagine the snake is their wiener or something?

Ladies, if you want to attract a man don’t go for the low cut top. Go for this:

Bonus: Check out the photographer’s genius inclusion of the ladder. Get it?!

I haven’t seen that good use of props in a photo shoot since Bachelor Party.



Hey have you ever seen that guy that’s trying to become a snake?

I’d like to see him fight that guy that’s trying to become a cat.

Or I’d like to see them both fight the Giant Gonzales.

In his weird air-brushed muscles nude suit.

Oh wait, he’s dead. Ok, so they’ll have to fight each other. I wonder who would win? They’ve both got weird tattoos and sharp teeth. But cat man has cat plastic surgery and whiskers. But wait! Snake man has a forked tongue!

What’s with snake tongues anyway? Why do they have two end bits? All the other creatures have just one end bit. Some of them are really long.

But still… only one end bit.

Let’s ask the Magic Internet about that.

Question 29: Why do snakes (and some lizards I guess) have two end bits on their tongues?



Magic Internet Answer: What you are referring to Johnny is a forked tongue and what you call end bits are tines. Forked tongues are a form of evolution that has developed in squamate reptiles (snakes and some lizards). You see, a snake uses its tongue to sense chemicals in the atmosphere. It uses this sense in the same way that you humans use your eyes to see. And just as two eyes are better than one, for the snake two tongues (or two tines) are better than one. Having a split tongue allows a snake to sense chemicals in a larger surface area and it allows a snake to sense chemicals in different directions. The information is then processed by the vomeronasal or jacobson’s organ. A snake’s jacobson’s organ is so sensitive that it can differentiate minute quantities of chemical scent on each tine of the snake’s tongue and use that data to inform the snake which direction the scent is coming from. Be it the dangerous scent of a mongoose. Or the delicious scent of a mouse.

Or the dangerous AND delicious scent of Ice Cube.

As for the gentleman you mentioned earlier who is altering his appearance to resemble a snake; I can see no benefit to be gained by his forked tongue. In fact it may hinder his speaking ability.


Maybe Mike the Situation should get a forked tongue. 

He doesn't neeed to speak, he's got his abs and maybe with a forked tongue he would be able to sense sooner that the women he brings home are total skanks and then he wouldn’t have to call them grenades and throw them out because they don’t want to put on Ed Hardy pajamas and have sex with him.

Maybe Johnny. Maybe.

But thanks Magic Internet. Snakes are misunderstood creatures and the more we can learn about them, the more we can right the wrongs of numerous action movies.


van damme owned snake by aucun-honneur



Check Ya Later.

The Chippenfail Situation. Alley Oop Oop.

There was a landmark decision made in the US courts last Friday. The US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit ruled that the Chippendales tuxedo look (wrist cuffs and a bowtie collar with no shirt) is not an inherently distinctive trademark.

File photo: Chippendales’ lawyer addresses the court on Friday.

Apparently the US Court of Appeals feels that Chippendales ripped off the look from Playboy’s Playboy Bunny look.

File photo: Hugh Hefner and his lawyer address the court on Friday.

Don’t feel bad Chippendales. We all know and respect what you were trying to do. You were trying to avoid people having to see things like this.



But at the same time who are you to tell people what they can and can’t wear? I don’t see firemen sending you any cease and desist notices.

Or construction workers and the Fresh Prince for that matter.

It is a shame though. Trademark laws help protect the integrity of your brand. And your brand is definitely important Chippendales. I can’t speak for everyone but when I see a shirtless greased up juice head on stage pumping his garbage in desperate middle aged women’s faces and he’s wearing a bow tie and cuffs. I immediately think Chippendales. That and I shouldn’t have ordered the footlong.


Bachelor Party - "Nick the Dick"

MaddenCowboy
MySpace Video

But hey, lots of people have failed at trademarks and are still to successful. Let me show you.

Donald Trump.

He tried to trademark the phrase You’re fired! and failed worse than his hairdresser. But I’m pretty sure he’s still rich. He’s building a big towery thing here in Toronto and I didn’t find any pictures of him wearing a barrel.

Harley Davidson

Back in 1994 Harley Davidson tried to trademark the sound that their engines make. This didn’t work because companies like Honda and Yamaha argued that their bikes contained basically the same engines so they made the same sound. Harley Davidson eventually gave up. I can’t say I’m surprised that they tried to trademark a sound. I think they’ve pretty much run out of products to put their logo on.

Makes your P.T. Cruiser feel just like a hog.

Makes you smell just like a hog.

Makes you want to have sex with a hog your old lady.

Hey Chippendales, maybe you should try throwing your brand on some junk like that. What’s that? You already have?

Yeah… no one’s going to want to drink out of that.

Mike the Situation Sorrentino

File Photo: Mike Sorrentino addresses the court.

He tried to trademark his nickname the Situation or his abs or something. Whatever it was he didn’t get it. I’m not sure what sort of plans he had for it anyway.

Oh. Oh. Ok… Ummm, I see.

In fact Chippendales you should be less worried about stopping midgets and oafs from donning your cuffs and collars for Halloween and more worried about Mike the Situation. While you’re paying your beefy revue good money to take their shirts off in a club packed full of boilers, Mike is doing it for free. And he’s taking them home and having sex with them too. With that kind of debonair personality it’s only a matter of time before people want to start dressing up as him for Halloween. And then you lose more exposure.

File photo: Too late.

Sigh. And here I was trying to cheer you Chippendales up. Oh well. Time for plan B. I baked you this cake.

Feel free to share it amongst the guys or have them jump out of it or something. Let’s see Mike the Situation top that.

Shit!