Billy, I think it’s time we had a talk about the Berts & the Ernies.

So people want Burt and Ernie to get married.

Now usually I would be against this. Bert and Ernie don’t need a piece of paper from the man to tell them they’re in love. Everyone just has gay wedding fever right now. Apart from the monetary benefits I don’t understand why any gay person would want to get married. Bert and Ernie don’t have to pay rent or taxes. They’re puppets that live on a make believe street for Christ’s sake! And trust me, you don’t want them to be real.

But I think that having Bert and Ernie get married could be an excellent way to explain the concept of same sex couples to children. Because despite wither you think it’s right or wrong, it’s still awkward to explain. Just like telling kids about the birds and the bees or why Aunt Heather paints all those strange pictures of Data and keeps them under her bed.

So what would Bert and Ernie’s wedding be like?

The Bachelor Party:

In traditional weddings the groom has a bachelor or stag party and the bride has a shower or doe party. The Bachelor party is usually wild and crazy and involves booze, cigars, strippers and possibly going to Vegas. The bridal shower is usually very boring and involves wine or tea, little sandwiches, presents and that classical music that signifies rich people in movies. There might be a stripper that comes to the door dressed as a cop or if the bride is Debbie Thompson there might even be this:

Bachelor Party Classic Scene : Shower Scene - Click here for more free videos

So what do Bert and Ernie do with the final days of freedom? Well they can both go see a stripper.

And then things will really start getting crazy.

The Wedding Party:

Since there are 2 grooms, there should be 2 best men. We’ll go with Grover for Ernie.

Someone make sure he takes a bath before the wedding.

And Oscar the Grouch for Bert.

We’ll never get the stink out of him. Just paint a tuxedo on his trash can or something.

The jury is still out on Big Bird’s gender, so he/she/it can give them both away.

Count Von Count and Snuffleupagus will make good ushers. Count can make sure all the guests are there.

One pigeon! Two Pigeons!! Three Pigeons!!! God, Bert has no friends.

And Snuffleupagus is big and will be good at keeping out undesirables.

Someone give this picture to Snuffleupagus.

The Ceremony:

The ceremony will be held in the fake park in the middle of Sesame Street.

Ernie wanted somewhere romantic and Bert wanted somewhere cheap so it’s perfect.

We’ll let Don Music play the wedding march.



On second thought someone see if Rolf is available.

I play a mean piano and I eat my own poop.

 And the ceremony its self will be performed by none other than Guy Smiley.

Guy Smiley is an ordained minister with the Church of Satan, little known fact.

The Reception:

The reception party will also be held on Sesame Street.

These Muppets haven’t left the place in over 40 years. Why start now?

Catering will be provided by Mr. Hooper’s store and skillfully prepared by a master chef.



There’ll be a good band.

Grover will own the dance floor.

No one will do the Birdy dance because it offends Big Bird but you better believe Bert will break out the Pigeon.



And when it’s all over we’ll get Beauregard the Janitor and Bruno the Trash Man to clean up.

Boy, they sure drank a lot of apple martinis.

Tell me about it. For a second I thought Oscar had melted but this trash can is just full of puke.

The Honeymoon:

Nothing too fancy, they’ve been together for 42 years after all, perhaps a trip to France so Ernie can see the world’s largest rubber duckie.

And in the evening they’ll both have something special to wear for each other.

You try explaining lingerie to two 40 year old puppets with the mental capacity of 8 year olds.

Then it's time for the consummation.

The Divorce:

If Bert and Ernie are going to explain how gays can married like everybody else they might as well also explain how gays can get divorced like everybody else. The relationship begins to sour. Pigeon sales are down these days as most people these days view them as filthy winged rats.

Bert turns to drugs.

Why are you still up Bert? What dancing breakfast?

And starts taking it out on Ernie.

R is for retard Ernie. That’s you!

And before you know it, the marriage is over. Ernie moves out and gets into the bear scene.

And Bert meets someone new in rehab.

They eventually learn to be friends again but it’s never like it once was… you know what? Screw that. Don’t get married Bert and Ernie. Just stay the way you are forever.

P.S. Cookie Monster

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0029

There was an albino boa constrictor on CP24 this morning. It looked just like that one that Salma Hayak dances with in From Dusk Til Dawn.



I was kind of hoping it would strangle the host Steve Anthony like that snake did to the stripper in Striptease after her original snake dies and they went out and got her another snake and didn’t tell her.

I couldn’t find a video of that but here’s a picture of the best part of Striptease.

Burt Reynolds covered in Vaseline.

What is it with strippers and snakes? Why do guys like to watch a woman dance with a snake? Is it because they think it’s exotic? Or do they imagine the snake is their wiener or something?

Ladies, if you want to attract a man don’t go for the low cut top. Go for this:

Bonus: Check out the photographer’s genius inclusion of the ladder. Get it?!

I haven’t seen that good use of props in a photo shoot since Bachelor Party.



Hey have you ever seen that guy that’s trying to become a snake?

I’d like to see him fight that guy that’s trying to become a cat.

Or I’d like to see them both fight the Giant Gonzales.

In his weird air-brushed muscles nude suit.

Oh wait, he’s dead. Ok, so they’ll have to fight each other. I wonder who would win? They’ve both got weird tattoos and sharp teeth. But cat man has cat plastic surgery and whiskers. But wait! Snake man has a forked tongue!

What’s with snake tongues anyway? Why do they have two end bits? All the other creatures have just one end bit. Some of them are really long.

But still… only one end bit.

Let’s ask the Magic Internet about that.

Question 29: Why do snakes (and some lizards I guess) have two end bits on their tongues?



Magic Internet Answer: What you are referring to Johnny is a forked tongue and what you call end bits are tines. Forked tongues are a form of evolution that has developed in squamate reptiles (snakes and some lizards). You see, a snake uses its tongue to sense chemicals in the atmosphere. It uses this sense in the same way that you humans use your eyes to see. And just as two eyes are better than one, for the snake two tongues (or two tines) are better than one. Having a split tongue allows a snake to sense chemicals in a larger surface area and it allows a snake to sense chemicals in different directions. The information is then processed by the vomeronasal or jacobson’s organ. A snake’s jacobson’s organ is so sensitive that it can differentiate minute quantities of chemical scent on each tine of the snake’s tongue and use that data to inform the snake which direction the scent is coming from. Be it the dangerous scent of a mongoose. Or the delicious scent of a mouse.

Or the dangerous AND delicious scent of Ice Cube.

As for the gentleman you mentioned earlier who is altering his appearance to resemble a snake; I can see no benefit to be gained by his forked tongue. In fact it may hinder his speaking ability.


Maybe Mike the Situation should get a forked tongue. 

He doesn't neeed to speak, he's got his abs and maybe with a forked tongue he would be able to sense sooner that the women he brings home are total skanks and then he wouldn’t have to call them grenades and throw them out because they don’t want to put on Ed Hardy pajamas and have sex with him.

Maybe Johnny. Maybe.

But thanks Magic Internet. Snakes are misunderstood creatures and the more we can learn about them, the more we can right the wrongs of numerous action movies.


van damme owned snake by aucun-honneur



Check Ya Later.

What would you do if you won a million dollars?

I’m not much of a gambler. And there’s something about that look of desperate hope in those sad faces in line at the lottery kiosk on a Friday night that makes me pat the five bucks in my pocket and laugh. You’re never going to win! I find it extra funny when the jackpot gets really high and the lineup gets 10 times as long.

$10 million you say? Bah, not worth my time. I only leave my one bedroom apartment for the big money.

But if I did win a million dollars, how would things around here change? Let’s have a look at a day in the life of Johnny the millionaire.

7:30AM

Get up and have a shower. I’d like to say that my shower is now a baby elephant that sprays me with water from his trunk but that seems kind of gross.

Good way to get rid of your Christmas tree though.

I’d probably go for one of those showers with multiple heads so it’s quicker. Showering is boring. Let’s get it over and done with. Oh and a bench in there too so I can read the paper.

Now we're talking!

7:45AM

Get dressed. What does a millionaire wear? Whatever he wants! And I want to wear that black ninja gi with the silver face mask that the bad ninja wore in Revenge of the Ninja.



If it doesn’t fit I have some pieces of denim off an old pair of jeans that I can sew on as extensions.

8:00AM

Now that I’m suitably attired, it’s time to walk Mutton.

Guess what? Even when you’re rich your dog still poops.

8:30AM

Time for breakfast and I want Cheese Beanos.

Like this but with a cheese slice on top.

But instead of toast I want it on top of an original Action Comics Number 1

Then I’ll film myself eating it and send the tape to Nicholas Cage.

9:00AM

Time to hit the road. I have a plane to catch. Every filthy rich person has to have a fly ride, right? Well I’m no exception. I would like to have a limousine made out of four Austin Mini’s welded together. And not new Minis either, they have to be originals.

Like this but longer and more ram-shackled looking. Maybe weld two of these fuckers together.

I’d also like my personal driver to be Manute Bol.

Oh wait. He’s dead. Fine, just get me a really fat guy instead.

No one’s riding shotgun in my Mini Limo.

10:00AM

At the airport to catch my flight to British Columbia. Even though I’m rich I still have to go through security.

What? They only give you one free drink on the plane!

Once I’m in the air I can catch up on all my media viewing with this baby.

That’s right, a portable TV! And I’ll have it specially fitted so I can hook a DVD player up to it. Eat your hearts out proletarians!

What am I watching? Videos of the guys from Jackass pulling pranks on people I don’t like. Then videos of my hobo army taking dumps in front of fancy restaurant windows while wearing t-shirts with my face on it (with picture in picture close ups of the diners disgusted faces).

3:00PM

I’m on the ground in BC. Now I don’t ski, I don’t smoke weed and I hate hippies, so you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here. Well now that I’m rich I can retire early. And my dream retirement idea has always been to become one of those weird guys that hunt Bigfoots.

Now I don’t want to kill any Bigfoots. I just want to find one, take some videos of him, take some samples of his fur to prove he’s real and maybe give him a pair of shoes actually worn by Shaquille O’Neil that I bought at auction with my riches.

But if Bigfoot wants to rumble and it’s me or him, he better think twice because I’ll be packing some serious heat.

That’s right. The M124 mini gatling gun. Just like the one Jessie “the Body” Ventura used in Predator. No scratch that. I’m a millionaire so it will be the one Jessie “the Body” Ventura used in Predator.



And just to make sure Bigfoot goes down I’ll have special ammunition in it made out of melted down rocker rings.

5:00PM

Alright, now that Bigfoot has been photographed or mowed down into hamburger or whatever I’ve got to get back to Toronto. No time for conventional transport so I’ll just have to take my solid gold, bronze plated Steampunk jetpack (Craigslist).

7:00PM

Dinner at Hooters with Quinton Tarantino on a non-wing night (ohhh, the decadence). Rich people only dine with other rich people and I want to pitch him my movie idea about a romantic comedy set in the competitive eating circuit where a guy falls in love with a robot that has a human stomach. The working title is Fat Circuit.

9:00PM

Come home and give my Monkey Butler an extra banana for walking Mutton.

Then right some crazy ramblings about midgets and hotdogs for my blog.

10:00PM

Go down to my basement and wake up Tom Hanks and the rest of the crew to perform (yet again) all of Bachelor Party live in my bedroom as I drift off to sleep.

Come on guys. I know you’re tired but who’s paying you the big bucks here?

Either that or I’ll watch that secondhand copy of Road House I got for $5.00 at the BMV last week. I’ve already watched it once but it’s got guest celebrity commentary by Kevin Smith and a mini documentary called What Would Dalton Do where they interview real bouncers about how much they love the movie Road House.

Hey, five bucks really can make all your dreams come true.