I hate art students.

This past year I went from working down in the financial district to up near a local art college.

(War of the Worlds meets Screech’s wardrobe)

I don’t mind the change of scenery. Instead of looking at ruddy faced business men with their starch-shirted guts hanging out like a bag of milk,

I now get to look at Lady Ga Ga angled haircuts and guys wearing girls pants.

(I see a lot of this)

Nauseating? Yes, but at least they have an excuse. Cutting your bangs every day and dressing like Pee Wee Herman in Star Wars is just an expression of their artistic individuality. I mean how can you be a great artist if you go around dressed like a bore? Hell, if I was an artist I’d make sure everyone new it. I’d wear this.

Then I saw some of their art.

(Artist’s rendition of typical student art)

Every day I see them lugging their masterpieces to class. I see half-painted fantasy dragons too poor to make it onto the back of a 1970s jean jacket never mind a boogey van.

I see graffiti inspired canvases so uninspired they could have been in a Fresh Prince Video

I see portraits so void of basic artistic skill that they wouldn’t even be displayed in Value Village.

And these are just the students that are trying to go the route of the technically gifted artist. It gets even worse with the conceptual or contemporary art students. A while back I saw a 4’ x 6’ colour painting depicting Beethoven with large stylized black and white ears side by side with Stevie Wonder with large stylized black and white eyes. Just thinking about it even now makes me want to bash my own head with a rock.

I just don’t understand the concept of the art student. I don’t think being a good artist is something you can teach. Breakdancing maybe but art no.



I think being a successful artist is a combination of talent and marketing. Neither of which you’re going to obtain from attending art school. Who’s teaching those classes anyway? I’ll tell you who, failed artists. And their students are going to wind up just like them. They’re essentially paying the school money to prolong their failure.

(You don’t see Keith Haring teaching a bunch of scrawny little hacks the finer points of art and design… and not just because he died of AIDS 20 years ago.)

Look, if you want to be an artist you don’t have to go to school to do it. If you want to be a painter, paint. If you want to be a sculptor, sculpt. If you want to be whatever makes this…

You get the idea. Here I’ll even get you started with a conceptual art project.

Step 1) Go get $240

Step 2) Eat it.

Step 3) Digest.

Step 4) Shit in a jar.

Step 5) Call it Purple Ugg Boots

Ta Da! You’re an artist.