Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0044.

So I see that the FDA just unveiled new graphic warning labels for cigarette packs in the USA. We’ve had those in Canada for quite a while now. Let’s have a look at some of the designs the U.S. MAD-ministration of Food and Drugs Men came up with.

She’s blowing smoke right in the baby’s face! Who does that? She’s either incredibly ignorant or knowingly blowing smoke in her child’s face as a form of abuse. That means she’ll probably kill that baby through ignorance, neglect or a plain old shaking long before it dies from second hand smoke. They should slap this picture of the kid’s dad on the other side of the pack.

That raccoon’s got my smoke! Get it back for daddy.

We have a teeth one here too but it only warns about mouth disease.

The US seems to have one uped us with that gross lip sore though. Oh yeah? Well we beat you at hockey.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Now that’s not even a warning. That’s more like good advice. And with his shirt open like that he’s kind of like Superman. Maybe they’re trying to say if you quit smoking you’ll feel invincible like Superman. But he doesn’t really look happy about it, does he? He looks pissed off like he’s going to punch me. He looks more like that mean drunk Superman from Superman 2. I wonder how many shots it takes for Superman to get wasted. I wonder how many smokes he could smoke!

Probably like this many!

This one is pretty effective. Those trach. holes are pretty creepy. And it’s even worse when you see someone smoking out of one. It always reminds me of Juno the social worker from Beetlejuice.

And you know what the worst is? All the public servants in the afterlife in Beetlejuice were suicide victims. So does that mean she slit her own throat?! That’s pretty hardcore. They should put her on the pack with a message that says, All you smokers are committing suicide just like me, only slower. And then you’re going to have to deal with a bunch of no-nothing shitheads everyday in the afterlife equivalent of the passport office.

Or just put picture of Beetlejuice on the pack.

That creepy little fucker would scare anyone away.

I don’t know. That starched white shirt and loosened silk tie are a warning sign also. This man could just as easily be a product of the rat race. All those rare steak power lunches, coffee fueled Johnson report all-nighters and heart rate throttling the CEOs are in town lap dance grinds can take their toll on a man.

See these business guys don’t appear to be smoking AND they work out.

Don’t get me wrong it’s a good warning but maybe they should add something about the counter-productivity of smoking to the package for business men. All that time spent outside smoking when you could be working.

There you go, that’ll do. Just don’t give out butts with that picture on it to guys in prison. Cigarettes in jail are the same as money. (And so are prison guys butts.)

What is that, a cartoon baby? Who cares about a cartoon baby? What, you could blow smoke in a real toddlers face for the first one but for a baby you have to use a cartoon? And it’s not even a good cartoon. What is that thing on its arm, an iPod? You should have at least got a better cartoonist like John Pound. He’s the guy that drew Garbage Pail kids. He could have drawn a baby way grosser than that.

See! SEEEEE!

Ewww gross! Wait, which ones am I supposed to be grossed out by? This reminds me of that great stand up routine Norm McDonald used to do about smoking.



The pair of lungs on the right look camouflaged. Maybe hunters should smoke so if they’re ever attacked by a bear and it rips open their chest, they can still hide.

Roooaaaar wait, wait a minute what? There was a guy here and I was eating his chest and now he’s gone?! There’s just a pile of leaves. A pile of bloody, heaving shaking, screaming leaves. Oh well I’m off to the dump.

I don’t know. It seems like they’re spending an awful lot of money trying to reinforce something that every idiot should know by now. And isn’t smoking on the decline in the west? You can hardly smoke anywhere in North America. I’m pretty sure that’s why sexy Johnny Depp moved to France.

Which is funny because didn’t America invent smoking? Or wasn’t it at least discovered there and then passed on to the Europeans? Oh Magic Internet. I am sending you heap big smoke signals.

Question 44: Is America responsible for smoking?



Hmm, this is an interesting question and one of your least stupid yet. The answer is yes with an underlying no. You see smoking can be traced all the way back to sometime between 5000-3000 BC. Early South American civilizations would burn incense during rituals, a practice that was later adapted for pleasure.

Well that sure stood the test of time.

Although Columbus reported seeing American Indians smoking tobacco in the 1400s and was even given dried leaves as a gift, it was reported that he threw them away and tobacco was not properly introduced to Europe and Asia until the 16th century where it followed common trade routes.

Way to go Columbus. Another reason while you’ll never be as cool as Andrew Dice Clay.

Why don’t you go discover planet Fagatron, Ohhh!

Yes, yes, Johnny. Enough of that buffoon known as the Dice Man. Early American settler John Rolfe was credited as the first person to successfully raise tobacco as a cash crop. This became a boon for early American settlers with much of their harvest being shipped to the old world. But it was Jean Nicot who first introduced it to Europe through France and it is from his name that the word nicotine derives from. So you see although smoking may have originated in the Americas and appears to be first discovered there it was in fact a Frenchman who was to cause it’s spread throughout Europe.

Always blame the French, huh?

Oh well. Thanks for the info. Magic Internet. I think we all had fun today. Oh and Chris, sorry for saying that Andrew Dice Clay is cooler than you. I think you could definitely give him a run for his money now.

Check ya later folks. Don’t smoke em if you got em.

Thanks for not exploding yet, I just got new jeans.

Attention non-hippies. Today is Earth Day.

I wouldn’t have known if it hadn’t been on the news this morning. Even then I almost missed it as most of the news was being drowned out by my gas powered blender making my morning daiquiris.

Earth day was founded in 1969 by this guy.

Oh wait, sorry. That’s his dog, my bad. Here we go. It was this guy.

(Some Gaylord)

Here he is with his dog.

And here they are dancing.

Here’s a bunch of similar dogs all dancing a conga line.



Here’s the conga line scene from Weekend at Bernie’s II



Alright back to Earth Day.

On Earth Day we are all supposed to think about the environment and try to be more environmentally conscientious. This means there’s probably a lot of moms out there using Earth Day as an excuse to get their kids to clean their room and there are a lot of dads out there using Earth Day as an excuse not to mow the lawn.

Nice try Mom.

(File photo: Mom)

Nice try dad.

(File photo: Dad)

Go back to your excellent parenting and let Uncle Johnny handle the Earth Day ideas. I’ve got plenty. Such as…

Littering



Every year our landfills fill with more and more garbage. Dump bears and the homeless can only eat so much of it.

That’s why I propose that everyone start littering this Earth Day. If we all litter then this will prolong the time that garbage takes to reach our landfills as it will have to sit around our yards and streets until some senior citizen or crying Indian puts it in the trash. It won’t save the planet but it will buy us some time.

Burn Your Car

Everyone knows that car emissions cause tons of pollution. If we all set fire to our cars on Earth Day, we can eradicate pollution in one blaze of glory. Also you can get a friend to film you running away from it while it explodes so you have your very own Earth Day action movie souvenir!



We could take it one step further and burn all the cars at the junkyard and while we’re at it burn the dump as well. Just make sure to shoe all the dump bears away (the homeless can shoe themselves away).

(So long pollution. I hope you burn in hell.)

Go to the Bathroom Outside

Environmentalists are always complaining about how much water toilets waste. The solution? Just go outside. You can even shit right in your garden and cut out the composting middle man. If you live in the city and don’t have a garden then request neighborhood latrines in local parks. It’s a good way to meet your neighbors.

When the latrines start getting full, you just top them off with gasoline and light them on fire (Is their no problem fire can’t solve?)

The army does it. Are you telling me you don’t support our troops you commie?

Drop Acid

Sure it’s nice to pay homage to the environment on Earth Day but why not also pay tribute to our environmental forefathers too. Yes I’m talking about dirty smelly hippies.

Everyone knows that there’s nothing hippies like more then dropping acid.

So in honor of the first true earth lovers I say everyone takes acid on Earth Day. Wirth your mind both focused and expanded you’ll be able to do just as much for the planet as the hippies of old.

(This saved the whales.)

Kill Each Other

Let’s face it. The only thing that will really help the environment is getting rid of all the parasitic people. Therefore Earth Day should be the one day that you’re allowed to kill who ever you like with impunity.

Kill your boss.



Kill Your Annoying Neighbor.



Got a band you don’t like? Kill them.

(I suggest using land mines.)

You get the idea. I know it won’t get rid of the entire human race but it’s a good start. Think of it as spring cleaning.

(April 23rd, Garbage day!)

That’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe if I dropped acid or if they let us have Earth Day off work I could think of some more. Anyway, here are a few words from Captain Planet to close things off.

This planet sucks! Buuuuuurrrrpppp!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Got a nice card picked out for my special lady.

Not to mention a little something for her to slip into later.

She’s gonna look great in them while she cooks me up something romantic.

As for me, I’m gonna be wearing a little something special too.

The best part? It’s not even my hair.

It’s amazing what you can do with a little glue, a little patience and love in your heart.

Yeah, we’re gonna push the A. V. Unit into the bathroom and watch a romantic movie in the tub.

I hope we can get it in there. The bathroom is a little cramped.

Not to worry. We’ll soon both relax when I slip the most romantic movie of all time into the VCR.

You guessed it. 

Garbage Pail Kids.

P.S. I actually found this in the laundry room of my building about a year ago.

Somebody actually gave this to someone that they liked.