A brief history of animal weaponry and Patrick Swayze

I read that this guy was charged with assault for hitting someone with a snake.

He kind of looks like Axl Rose.

Axl Rose was arrested for verbally abusing an airport employee. Not for hitting someone with a snake. I wouldn’t be surprised if Axl has been hit with a snake though. Slash has lots of snakes and he hates Axl.

In the middle ages they used to load diseased animals into catapults and fire them into enemy castles. This was they very first use of biological warfare and possibly the first use of animal weaponry. Montey Python (Hey, a python is a snake!) touched on it in the Holy Grail.

That one scene was so popular that they now have a Monty Python farm animal/catapult toy set.

I don’t have one because I’m not a huge nerd and I am against all farm toys.

(This is bullshit!)

I’ll tell you what I do have though, Point Break on VHS!

It includes this amazing scene of animal weaponry.



Now if they made a pit bull throwing Bodhi toy I would be all over that like stink on a monkey. Saddly there doesn’t seem to be any Patrick Swayze action figues available at all. All I could find was this watch.

And I’m not even sure it’s real. How can there be no Patrick Swayze action figures. They could do a whole range based on his movies.

Roadhouse Patrick - with button activated kicking leg and removable shirt.

Dirty Dancing Patrick – with swivel grinding hips and removable shirt.

Ghost Patrick – with interchangeable Whoopi Goldberg head and removable shirt (Bonus: Glows in the Dark!)

I could go on and on but I digress. Today the new animal weapon is the dolphin. The military is training them to be super soldiers.

(This one has a flipper laser or chat cam or something.)

These dolphins will really come in handy when Al Qaeda and the Taliban run out of things on land to suicide bomb and start blowing them selves up under water.

And you know the future of animal weaponry can only lead to one thing…..

Manimals!



And when that happens you know we’re going to be seeing a lot of these.

Hill Billy the Kid.

Why are we forcing our babies to learn about farms? Seriously, have you noticed how many toys there are for babies and toddlers that revolve around life on the farm? The newest one is this Learning Farm from Fisher Price (I think you’ll find that Fisher Price is the MAIN offender when it comes to these toys):

This one is all electronic and interactive. The cow on the left teaches kids manners. I can see that going over well. Little Billy asks for a cookie and mommy says, “What do you sayyyy Billy?” The kid then points at her, laughs and says “COW”! Mommy bursts into tears and crawls into bed with her old friend Xanax while Little Billy, unsupervised, drowns headfirst in the toilet.

Way to think ahead Fisher Price.

The little pig on the right is a bit more safe and simple. The child rolls his belly and it turns from dirty to clean. Watch Daddy. Shit covered, clean! Shit covered, clean! Daddy takes another slug of Crown Royal, shakes his head and wishes it was that simple.

I don’t know what the chick at the top does. I’ve only seen the commercial once. By the look of the musical note on its belly it I’m sure it plays some loud tinny song that will drive little Billy’s parents insane. We all know where this is headed:







But I digress. My point is why do children need to learn about farms? If you weren’t raised on a farm the chances of you growing up and working on a farm are slim to none. And if you were raised on a farm you don’t need these:

Just look out your God damn window!



Ok. Maybe it’s not just about the farm. Kids like animals. A farm play set is a good way to introduce young children to some of the animals that are a part of our lives. Just don’t tell them what they’re really for:







Do you know how hard it is to get little kids to eat? Do you really want to tell them the yummy hot dog they’re eating used to be this:

Or that those delicious chicken nuggets that they’re enjoying used to be these:

I didn’t think so. Besides, by the time they’re older we won’t even need farms. All our food will come from replicator machines, the internet or (my favorite) we’ll just have our brains removed and put in sturdy robots.

A rudimentary paste will sustain our organic functions and that’s something that babies are already pretty familiar with (for more on this watch Robocop).



So no more farm toys. They’re useless. Get your baby an I-phone, an auto-tuner or some fiber-optic cable to play with.

Prepare it for the future:

P.S. This was the farm toy I had as a child:

My sister and I called it the Fat People Farm. God knows how they ran a farm with no arms and legs? One of our favorite summer pass times was to place the little fat people on the road in front of our house and cheer when they’d get run over. With no fat people to tend to it the Fat People Farm fell into disuse until it was taken over by Cobra and used to sort and store Destro's/my Halloween candy.