Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 37

You know what one of my favorite commercials is? This Delissio Pizza vampire goth ad:



Ah ha ha ha ha! Isn’t it awesome? I would love to have been a fly on the wall when they came up with that one.

Ad Man 1: You know my daughter Christine has got a boyfriend. He’s one of these Goth types. He looks like a god damn vampire!

Ad Man 2: Oh I know. My son Brian, he listens to that Marylyn Manson. Have you seen this guy?! He looks like he just stepped off the set of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I told him listening to that crap would turn him queer.

Ad Man1: I bet he didn’t like that.

Ad Man 2: Not one bit. He told me to Shut Up! And then he started crying. Kids today, huh? Anyway, back to this pizza thing.

The best part is that the ad only came out like last year! Who’s still doing goth commercials? At least the Kia ad was somewhat in keeping with times. That Delissio commercial is the advertizing equivalent of a Christmas gift from an elderly aunt.

I know you like the Turtles so I knew you’d like it.

Yep, all you teens that are into Vampires right now, expect a bunch of Twilight crap for your 25th birthday. And you know what? You all deserve it because I’m sick of you and all your vampire crap. When I was a kid I was into Dracula. But being into Dracula only ment that sometimes I’d put on a cape and those plastic teeth and run around the house going, Bluh, bluh, bluh! These modern Dracula kids are taking it wayyy to seriously. They’re getting fang tooth caps, they’re biting each other, they’re even wearing perfume that smells like human blood!

I got news for you kids. Vampires aren’t real and you’re not vampires. But if vampires were real, I’d have a few burning questions for them. I kind of get the whole concept of how vampires work. They’re basically dead and have no blood of their own pumping through their veins so they have to suck it out of other people yes? And the whole process of sucking blood seems to have this erotic overtone to it. That makes sense too. Activities that sustain you should feel good. Like eating hot dogs or when you take a big wizz and go, Ahhhhh. Plus making blood sucking sexy will help the vampire lure victims into a false sense of security. Maybe it just seems sexy to the victim and Dracula is just putting on an act so he can get his lunch. Although some people do like to combine eating and sex.

Those people frighten me.

But can Dracula even get a boner? It seems to me that someone who has to suck blood out of people isn’t going to have a lot to waste on growing a chubby. And speaking of extra blood, I’d also like to know if Dracula takes a wiz too. You all know what’s coming next.

Question 37: Can Dracula pop a boner and can he take a leak?



Magic Internet Answer: I cannot believe I am entertaining the notion of answering one of these asinine questions let alone two. However I will answer both only because each one is so stupid that it barely registers as a whole thought to me. So let us get on with it. As I have done many times before when answering your questions I will ignore the obvious flaws and we will pretend that vampires exist. That being said let us examine just how a vampire functions.

Blood goes in here.

A vampire is a demon that posses a human corpse. It feasts on blood to sustain the undead flesh of the host corpse and help to heal injuries to it but the blood does not circulate they way it does in a human. There is however a venom like fluid that flows through their bodies and acts in many ways like blood in a human, lubricant between cells and helping the body move. It is plausible that this fluid could fill and expand cells in the same way that blood does and create an erection and there have been instances in modern vampire folklore of vampires obtaining erections and having intercourse with humans. This may be part of what makes the modern vampire lore so appealing to women. I just wonder if they realize that lusting after a vampire technically makes them necrophiliacs?

Yuck! That makes falling for a 7 foot cat man that lives in the sewer seem downright normal.

A vampire does not eat and can only take in so much blood at a time and every drop is used to sustain the host corpse. Therefore there is no waste. So a vampire does not and cannot as you so eloquently put it, Take a wizz.

So it's yes to popin' a B and no to takin' a pee.

Well there ya go Grandpa Munster. You’ve got an excuse for at least one problem.

Thanks MI!

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0009

Everyone is going on and on these days about how to kill zombies and how to survive zombie attacks. What’s the point? Zombies are super slow and they’re falling apart already. It’s like discussing how to survive an attack from you elderly aunt.

Look out, she’s got her dabber!

I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that if a handful of shitheads can kill hundreds of zombies with whatever they’ve got laying around then we’ll have no problems with our tanks and army guys and stuff. Even our Canadian army guys.

But if preteen girls and lonely middle aged women are to be believed then the real supernatural threat is vampires and wolfmen.

That’s this guy:

And this guy:

Now Vampires are easy. While they’re busy humping/biting sad lonely women wearing this:

I actually saw a mother wearing this while taking her kids to a soccer game.

You can be making crosses and stakes. It’s easy. It’s all just wood. You can get it at Home Depot. They even rent big tools there so you could make yourself one of those Dusk Till Dawn jackhammer dealies.



Or just lay in a garlic field until the sun comes up, I don’t care. The point is that Vampires are easy and cheap to kill too. So the real problem is wolfmen. As far as I know the only thing that kills them is a silver bullet. Or (according to a pair of boxer shorts I once owned as a teenager) a can of Coors light. Oh no, wait that wasn’t a werewolf, that was the Beer Wolf.

I’m not sure what the Beer Wolf was supposed to represent. Either alcoholism or your manhood.

See silver is expensive. And I don’t want to go spending all my money on silver bullets or go through the aggravation of melting down my mom’s silver just to find out that regular bullets work fine. So here’s my question to you Magic Internet.

Question 9: Why do silver bullets kill wolfmen?

Bee. Dee. Doop. Derp. Derp. Derp. Awooooooooooooo. Dip Dip Dip. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Great another werewolf related search. Well, at least this one doesn’t include the word erotica. What is it about you humans and the supernatural? You either want to kill it or have sex with it. I would think that if mankind encountered a werewolf or wolfman as you call it that it would be better to capture it for scientific study. What’s that Johnny? Yes, I suppose you could bate the trap with a pair of jeans. Yes, I know wolfmen love jeans. You tell me that all the time.

Yes, ok. We don’t need a picture.

If mankind were to capture a werewolf, then perhaps they could find a way to cull its blood lust and it could live among them in harmony. Although if Teenwolf is anything to go by wolfmen that live among humans turn into wolfassholes.



Anyway, let us start by approaching your question from a scientific perspective. Most bullets are made from lead or lead jacketed in copper or brass. Pure silver falls between lead and copper in terms of hardness. Therefore a silver bullet would have no trouble accepting the rifling of a gun barrel and silver bullets can be made and fired.

Lead bullets however has a much higher density then silver. That means that a silver bullet would accelerate to a higher velocity due to the lower mass. It is doubtful that this would be advantageous though. For the high velocity silver bullet could very well leave the chamber before the powder charge had been completely consumed and the lighter silver bullet would be more susceptible to perturbance due to wind and other disturbances in flight. So, from a scientific perspective, if a silver bullet can kill a wolfman so can a regular bullet and there is no advantage to using silver bullets.

So now we must look at the origin of the belief that silver bullets will kill a wolfman. This belief dates back to June 19th, 1767 when a French hunter by the name of Jean Chastel supposedly shot the Beast of Gevaudan with a silver bullet. The beast or beasts of Gevaudan were wolf like creatures that terrorized the French province of Gevaudan from 1764 to 1767. They were believed to be werewolves. In Chastel’s account of the killing he claimed that his hunting party had sat down to read the bible and pray. During one of the prayers, the creature came into sight. Chastel claimed he finished his prayer before shooting the beast. Hmm. Perhaps it is the religious significance of the silver that makes the bullet effective. In the Gospels Jesus’ disciple Judas Iscariot is infamous for having taken 30 pieces of silver from religious leaders in Jerusalem to turn Jesus Christ over to the Romans. Judas surely earned his place in hell for this deed and perhaps penetrating the flesh of a wolfman with silver will also send the ungodly creature to hell. So there you have it. The key to silver bullets is their religious significance. If we are to suspend our disbeliefs and agree that there are wolfmen. Then we must also suspend our disbelief of the godly powers of silver bullets. And while we’re at it why don’t we suspend our disbelief that Silver Bullet Werewolf Protection Mints also stop werewolves and are worth $2.50.

Thanks again Magic Internet. Now, just to even things out for the Draculas after showing that Teenwolf clip. Let’s see the dance seen from Once Bitten were Jimmy Carrey plays air guitar with his own leg.



Ooga Booga!