Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0029

There was an albino boa constrictor on CP24 this morning. It looked just like that one that Salma Hayak dances with in From Dusk Til Dawn.



I was kind of hoping it would strangle the host Steve Anthony like that snake did to the stripper in Striptease after her original snake dies and they went out and got her another snake and didn’t tell her.

I couldn’t find a video of that but here’s a picture of the best part of Striptease.

Burt Reynolds covered in Vaseline.

What is it with strippers and snakes? Why do guys like to watch a woman dance with a snake? Is it because they think it’s exotic? Or do they imagine the snake is their wiener or something?

Ladies, if you want to attract a man don’t go for the low cut top. Go for this:

Bonus: Check out the photographer’s genius inclusion of the ladder. Get it?!

I haven’t seen that good use of props in a photo shoot since Bachelor Party.



Hey have you ever seen that guy that’s trying to become a snake?

I’d like to see him fight that guy that’s trying to become a cat.

Or I’d like to see them both fight the Giant Gonzales.

In his weird air-brushed muscles nude suit.

Oh wait, he’s dead. Ok, so they’ll have to fight each other. I wonder who would win? They’ve both got weird tattoos and sharp teeth. But cat man has cat plastic surgery and whiskers. But wait! Snake man has a forked tongue!

What’s with snake tongues anyway? Why do they have two end bits? All the other creatures have just one end bit. Some of them are really long.

But still… only one end bit.

Let’s ask the Magic Internet about that.

Question 29: Why do snakes (and some lizards I guess) have two end bits on their tongues?



Magic Internet Answer: What you are referring to Johnny is a forked tongue and what you call end bits are tines. Forked tongues are a form of evolution that has developed in squamate reptiles (snakes and some lizards). You see, a snake uses its tongue to sense chemicals in the atmosphere. It uses this sense in the same way that you humans use your eyes to see. And just as two eyes are better than one, for the snake two tongues (or two tines) are better than one. Having a split tongue allows a snake to sense chemicals in a larger surface area and it allows a snake to sense chemicals in different directions. The information is then processed by the vomeronasal or jacobson’s organ. A snake’s jacobson’s organ is so sensitive that it can differentiate minute quantities of chemical scent on each tine of the snake’s tongue and use that data to inform the snake which direction the scent is coming from. Be it the dangerous scent of a mongoose. Or the delicious scent of a mouse.

Or the dangerous AND delicious scent of Ice Cube.

As for the gentleman you mentioned earlier who is altering his appearance to resemble a snake; I can see no benefit to be gained by his forked tongue. In fact it may hinder his speaking ability.


Maybe Mike the Situation should get a forked tongue. 

He doesn't neeed to speak, he's got his abs and maybe with a forked tongue he would be able to sense sooner that the women he brings home are total skanks and then he wouldn’t have to call them grenades and throw them out because they don’t want to put on Ed Hardy pajamas and have sex with him.

Maybe Johnny. Maybe.

But thanks Magic Internet. Snakes are misunderstood creatures and the more we can learn about them, the more we can right the wrongs of numerous action movies.


van damme owned snake by aucun-honneur



Check Ya Later.

I hate hot tubs.

Ugh! Just look at that boiling caldron of disgustingness.

The bubbles keep it from forming a skin!

Now I like baths. A bath is great when you’re not feeling well or you’re cold or your muscles ache. There’s nothing I like better on a cold winter evening then grabbing Mr. T Duck off of the shelf,

climbing into a hot bath and splashing around for a while listening to Jawbone on the hifi.



But hot tubs, that’s a whole different story. First of all I don’t like being hot for any extended period of time. A 5 minute hot shower every day and a 20 minute hot bath every couple of weeks is good enough for me. If I had a hot tub I’d feel the need to justify it by sitting in it all the time and I don’t need that. As a human being I am warm blooded and can generate my own body heat. I am not a Snakeman.

Hope you brought your trunks He-Man. We might go in the hot tub later. Hisssssss. Hissssss.

The next problem I have with hot tubs is the whole sharing thing. People that have hot tubs always want other people to get in it with them. Even at hotels and spas complete strangers sit around in these giant baths together. That’s weird. It’s one thing for a couple to spend a romantic evening in a hot tub (though if you really want romance I’d opt for a tub that includes a toilet for two)

but I’m not getting in a hot tub with that bald business schlub I saw in the hotel lobby on his cell phone telling his wife about the sizzling plate of fajitas he just had for dinner.

Hey, don’t mind me guys. I’ll just slide over. Squeek Rub. Rub. Squeeeek.

But it’s the people that have hot tubs in their homes that creep me out the most. What do you see when you picture the kind of guy that owns a hot tub?

Yep, me too.

Those gross swinger types that look like their whole body is just a shiny, greasy extension of their genitals.

Sometimes they advertise these hot tub expos that go on for a whole weekend up by the airport. Once I get over the disbelief that the demand for hot tubs here in Toronto is big enough to even sustain an event such as this I just picture them as swinger conventions. Do you think the people that go there to look at hot tubs wear their bathing suits so they can try before they buy? Do you think there are salesmen decked out in budgie smugglers sitting right in the hot tubs waiting for customers? What could a life time of sitting in and selling hot tubs do to the human body? That’s probably what happened to Jack Nicholson.

That and his all gas station hoggie diet.

Do you think they have vendors that try to cash in on some of the other things hot tubers need?

Does Zima has a booth there? You betcha.

Medalion tables? For sure.

Degreaser? Stacked in pyrimids.

If Muc-Off really want to make some cash at the hot tub show they need to invent Pubegone.

Well one thing you definitely won’t find there is me. I want no part of that human soup.

File Photo: My personal hell.

Yep, I hate hot tubs. Just thought you might like to know.