Yippie Kay Yay Smithsonian!

I read in the news this morning that the suit that O. J. Simpson wore to court on the day he was acquitted is going to be donated to the Smithsonian.

For fuck’s sake, are they serious?! Are we really that hard up for artifacts? This seems like something that should be auctioned off on e-bay and eventually bought for some ridicules sum by a casino.

Golden Palace bought this for $10,000

Or it should be hanging over my head at Planet Hollywood while I eat a shitty $15.00 burger.

I'd much rather eat next to Rambo’s bow then O.J.’s guilt ridden suit.

But come on… the Smithsonian?! This is bullshit!! Hell even the glove would be a better artifact.

Plus it’s dangerous to keep the Juice’s stuff. He’s currently in prison for trying to get some of his memorabilia back at gun point. You know when he gets out he’s going to come looking for that suit. And he’s a murder. If you’re standing around looking at that suit when he shows up, it’s pretty safe to say you’re going to die.

You know, I recently went and saw the King Tut exhibit here at the AGO. I was looking at all the artifacts and I was amazed at how intricate and ornate everything was and how it still looked so good after thousands of years. It made me wonder about what we have here and now that people will be looking at thousands of years from now. (Hopefully not O.J.’s fucking suit!)

Seriously. I know everyone thinks that with today’s technology and data storage capabilities we will be able to paint a great picture of what life is like today for our distant relatives but I beg to differ. People are getting stupider and stupider. (A prime example of this is the new show Your Kid Ate What? That debuted on The Learning Channel. I said THE LEARNING CHANNEL the other night.) If we all don’t do something stupid to erase all this digital information then chances are our distant off-spring will be too dumb to figure out how to retrieve and read it.


Zoolander... "In the Computer!"

Germz!!!
MySpace Video

So that only leaves tangible artifacts for future mankind to discover. What will they be? Glad you asked. I have a list.

Baby Toys

Baby toys are simplistic and designed to be chunky and unbreakable. This is so dumb babies don’t bite off and swallow bits of them (this may have something to do with why we keep getting stupider). They also will never breakdown because manufacturers have insured that no chemicals or microbes will transfer from the toy to a baby.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Depending on how dumb future mankind is they will either think we were a brilliant society or a bunch of drooling mush heads obsessed with all things bright and shiny (not far off actually)

Also, do to the fact that diapers don’t seem to break down either, future mankind will also think we were all very small and prone to shitting our pants.



Those Old Giant Reeboks that Skids Wear

I still see rocker guys walking around in these. They’re those really big ones with the thick tongues that stick out and they’re often in immaculate condition. There’s no way that guys like this can be bothered out bidding some Japanese guy for a dead-stock pair on E-bay.

That means that these must be the same ones they bought in like 1984. If they’ve lasted that long there’s no reason they won’t last thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had very poor taste in athletic footwear and, do to ballpoint pen hieroglyphics found on many pairs, someone or something called ACDC once ruled.


Budweiser & Clamato in a Can

No one is going to drink this, so it’s just going to sit in the fridge for thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had no taste buds.


The Sherman Sheep dog toy from Tuffy

My dog Mutton has had this for almost 2 years and there isn’t a scratch on it. Meanwhile she’s ripped apart hundreds of other toys. This thing will burry all of mankind one day.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Analysis of deep core samples taken from the sheep will indicate that we lived off a diet that consisted mainly of a cereal like substance dipped in liquefied chicken guts but that we also craved anything bacon or cheese flavored (again, not far off).



Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses

When all these god damn hipsters die there’s going to be mountains of these laying around.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Do to the vast quantities of Wayfarers being unearthed I’m going to assume that future mankind will see them as some sort of building material. Much like what the Doozers used on Fraggle Rock.



There you have it. That’s what people are going to be looking at in the free-floating, bio-domed Smithsonian of the future. I’d also like to mention that the only other reference point that future man kind will have of our generation is the movie Die Hard 2: Die Harder as TBS will still be playing this 3 times a week and twice on Sundays 10,000 years from now. What will future mankind think learn from Die Hard 2?

Nothing… absolutely nothing.

My 10 Most Awesome Christmas Presents!

Merry Christmas friends, family and selection of weirdos lurking online. In the spirit of the season I have compiled for your viewing pleasure (actually probably more for my own pleasure) a list of what I believe to be the 10 best presents I ever got for Christmas.


1) The Alpha Probe

There must have been a time when I didn’t hate space because I LOVED this thing. Never mind that the Astronauts look more like disco deep sea divers and space travel might have been difficult with all the windows down, the Alpha Probe ruled. It had that cool curly plastic thing that made the figures look like they were floating in space and there was three chunky rubber buttons on the wing that you could press to make sound effects. The only good sound effect was the take-off noise. The other two I think were alarms of some kind. One was probably to tell them to roll up the god damn windows and the other was to alert Punky Brewster to turn on the tv because the Challenger was about to blow up.



Go to 5:11 in for the goods.





2) Gauntlet for My Commodore 64

This game was at the Appleby Mall and I always wanted to play it but even though it was a four player arcade game:

I could never play it because guys like this hogged it all day.

When I got this game for Christmas it was the only thing I wanted and I remember my parents hid it at the back of the tree Red Rider Bee-bee Gun style. I was so happy that the 2 hours it took to load it seemed to fly by. Then it was nothing but this:







“Your Warrior needs food”



3) G. I. Joe Headquarters

I wanted this for my birthday but never got it. Three solid months of successful whining and begging bore results. The G. I. Joe Base had it all.

- A big gun at the front to shoot any Cobras that got too close (or Iraqis as Americans now call them ).

- A Command Center to keep tabs on the two vehicles and one helicopter that the base holds. (What is this G. I. Joe’s Canadian headquarters?)

- A drunk tank for Shipwreck to sleep off his rum ration.

- A garage with a lift so that Rock N Roll can work on his Chevy Nova.

- An open top concept that provides the Joes with lots of fresh air and a good view of any incoming missile attacks.



I know it looks like a total piece of shit now but I loved it and happily spent hours setting my Joes up in it. Later on, after seeing Police Academy, my sister would sneak into my room with a hand made sign that said “The Blue Oyster Bar”. She’d stick it on the base and rearrange all the Joes so they were dancing together. This infuriated me. Who knew I was so homophobic as a child?



I know everyone has seen these but I can’t resist:







4) Handmade Batman Cape

There were these old ladies at the Appleby Mall that made and sold scarves, toques and mitts. I think it was for charity or something. Anyway they also sold handmade superhero capes and I got a batman one for Christmas. I think it was made out of felt. It was blue with navy blue piping around it and the yellow bat symbol on the back. There’s a picture of me standing in front of the Christmas tree wearing it along with my sister’s navy blue tights. What’s that? Yes, that does sound kind of gay. I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child after all.







5) My first DVD Player

Ok it wasn’t as cool as that but it was still an awesome gift and it did have something in common with this Terminator one beyond playing DVDs. The first movie I got with it was Detroit Rock City starring Edward Furlong who also played the little creep in Terminator 2.

A lot of people think Detroit Rock City sucked but I like it and I still love the scene with the Guidos.







Try to watch this movie with the Gene Simmons commentary on. Try to. I dare you.



6) The James Bond Lotus Submarine Car

This was the car that James Bond drove in The Spy Who Loved Me. The toy version had a button on the top that you could press to turn it from a car into a submarine (fins popped out and I think the wheels retracted). It also fired little red missiles that I called “Timothy Dinks” because they looked like our pet cat Timothy’s penis.







7) Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition DVD

Revenge of the Nerds is tied for first place with Bachelor Party as my ultimate favorite movie. Not only does the Panty Raid edition contain (horribly unwatchable) deleted scenes like when the Nerds go to a fraternity convention in Las Vegas dressed as Africans but it also contains great commentary by Curtis Armstrong aka Booger.







8) Plush ET Doll

I loved ET as kid. After I saw that movie I became obsessed with him. I started a club called the “ET Touch the Stars Club” and I was the president because I wore a pair of jeans with ET on the back pocket (again, I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child). The clubs main goals were building traps and putting them out in the woods to catch our own ET, talking about how much we liked ET and boycotting ham (I thought that ham looked just like ET when he was sick and refused to eat it). I also wore this creepy plastic ET finger that glowed when you squeezed a battery pack and looked more like a sex toy:

The plush ET that I got was the same as the one in the picture above. It didn’t really look like ET. More like a cross between ET and a teddy bear. I don’t think it was a licensed ET product. Still, with my summer time ET Touch the Stars Club long since disbanded (they grew tired of never actually catching an ET and craved ham no doubt), my new plush ET became the sole conduit for my ET affection.



P.S. Although I did enjoy the ET movie I’d kind of like to see an alternate Rambo version where ET just hides in the woods picking off the Government Agents one by one saving the man with the keys for last and healing all his orifices shut with his glow finger.



9) Skid Row “Slave to the Grind” shirt

My aunt and uncle sent me a Skid Row t-shirt for Christmas when I was about 14 years old. I never liked Skid Row and I never really liked heavy metal. (Attention metal geeks, please refrain from posting comments saying Skid Row wasn’t heavy metal they were hair metal or other such nonsense. It’s all the same. I don’t care and you’re a loser if you care). Now that I’m older I do have a collection of metal records that I enjoy with a certain mocking appreciation but none of them are Slave to the Grind. No matter how you look at it Skid Row sucks.



Except 18 And Life. That song is awesome and the video is awesome:







I thought this shirt was a pretty shitty gift at the time. Maybe I should have expected it seeing as they sent me a Bon Jovi tape for my Birthday a few months earlier. Over the years I’ve grown to appreciate my Skid Row t-shirt. A white trash dress up party and one Halloween have seen me dawning it as a center piece. Now Slave to the Grind sits folded in my bottom drawer uncertain of its future. Maybe I’ll send it to my nephew when he turns 14. Thus carrying on the unwanted legacy.

10) Castle Grey Skull

I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull but I sure do remember getting it for Christmas. That’s because the box was fucking HUGE! Every kid should get a Christmas present that comes in a box as big as them at least once. It really makes for the wow factor regardless of what’s in it. What’s in Castle Grey Skull? Let’s have a look:

Jeez, nice place you’ve got here Skeletor. I’ve seen crack heads and gangster rappers with more furniture. At least you’ve got your trap door throne there. Too bad He Man and every other figure was too ripped to fit through it.

No bathroom I see. No problem there as I hear steroids make you constipated. But what’s with the elevator? Shouldn’t you have a winding staircase so you can blast your calves on your way up to Beastor’s room?







Yes a closer examination reveals why I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull. Because it sucked. No wonder Skellator was such a negative jerk. Castle Grey Skull was like a porn star… an alluring exterior with a possible hint of danger but inside… lifeless, dead and empty (except when stuffed with meaty oiled hulks).

There it is folks. For better or worse my 10 most memorable Christmas presents. Everything a boy could dream of on Christmas morn. I hope you all had a great Christmas and Santa brought you something good. It will never be as good as Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition or the Alpha Probe but that’s life.



Sing me out Blacksploitation Raisins!

Happy Halloween!

Boo!

Here's your treat.

More on Halloween ghouly night later.

I wanted to write more on Halloween but I was too busy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I hate to say it but I didn’t dress up this year. I wanted to go as the A-Team with me as Hannibal and Mutton as B.A. Baracus, but I didn’t really get into the Halloween spirit until later in the week and by then there was no time. Next year I vow to dress up and go all out. Anyway I’ve been racking my brain to try and remember every costume I’ve worn over the years going all the way back to when I was little. If you want to skip this I understand. It’s pretty long and pretty self-serving.
Without further ado, here’s what I was for Halloween every year since 1978.

Angel (age2)

My mother says that my first costume was an Angel. Kind of weird to dress a little boy up as an Angel but oh well, I had no choice in the matter. Over the years if this costume was mentioned to anyone over the age of 40 they would respond with, “I bet that was the first and last time YOU were ever considered an Angel . Ho-ha -ha”.

Clown (age 3)

My sister and I were both clowns one year. Surprisingly there’s nothing really funny to say about that.

Ghost (age 4)

In Kindergarten I was a ghost. The costume was bought at a toy store and consisted of a white plastic tarp with a picture of a ghost and the word “ghost” written on it and a white and grey mask with wavy, smoky lines on it. The mask only covered my eyes because there was a big push in the early 80s for kids to wear masks that offered better visibility. That campaign failed. This was a stupid costume because it would have been far easier, cheaper and more authentic for me to just wear a sheet but I picked it so I guess I was stupid when I was 4. If you want more proof I also had trouble spelling “brown” back then.

Darth Vader (age 5)

If you were old enough to know who Darth Vader was in 1981 and you didn’t want to be him then there was something wrong with you. I remember my mom made the chest controls out of things from around the house glued to a piece of cardboard.

Dracula (age 6)

Pretty standard. All I remember is that I loved wearing the teeth and I wore them so much that they started to smell and I had a cool medallion

Ewok (age 7)

Return of the Jedi came out that year and ruled my world with an iron fist. My friend Spencer’s mother was big into sewing him elaborate costumes and his Ewok costume was amazing. My mom could only sew the head so I paired it with an old Indian costume my sister had.This made me one skinny, weird-looking, slightly offensive Ewok.

Headless Horseman (age 8)

Another one of my childhood obsessions. I think this was made from the old remnants of my Dracula costume. I also had one of those orange plastic pumpkins to keep my candy in that doubled as my head.

Ninja (age9)

My parents went to San Francisco that year and bought me this amazing authentic Ninja gui. I loved that thing. My cousin loved it to. When ever he came to visit he’d put it on and wear it all weekend. I think he peed in it once.
Regular Army Guy (age 10)
I was big into playing army when I was young and had a huge collection of army surplus stuff. To this day I still can’t resist looking in army surplus stores.

Alien (age 11)

I had my face painted green and this really cool space gun from Consumers Distributing that had all these different sounds. I wore this black and silver tunic thing that I found at the Appleby United Church rummage sale too. I dressed up to go to cub scouts at the church and the woman who once owned the tunic was their and shouted “That’s my dress!” Yeah… that was kind of weird and embarrassing.

Dead Army Guy (age 12)

The natural progression. I found this great rubber zombie mask that had a rubber army helmet attached to it. Topped it off with a lot of fake blood.

The Joker (age 13)

I was big into Batman that year. I had a purple suit and a purple berry. I looked like an idiot.

Hillbilly (age 14)

This was the last year I went out for Halloween. My friend Spencer and I both dressed up as creepy Hillbillies. The costume consisted of jeans, a flannel, one of my mom’s dirty old curly haired wigs, a mesh-backed hat, hillbilly teeth and a monkey wrench.

Creepy Clown (age 15)

Spencer and I were too old to go trick or treating but we still wanted to do something so we dressed as creepy clowns and went out pranking people. I bought a child’s size costume so it was really tight and grosse looking and I used my hillbilly teeth from last year. All I can remember about Spencer is that he had a pokka dot top hat on. We went around smashing pumpkins, popping balloons full of shaving cream in people’s faces, throwing shaving cream pies and lighting fire-crackers. We were kind of assholes.

Resonator Twin (age 16)

There were these like 40 year old twins that lived across from the library that we called the Resonator Twins because we once heard one of them say the word resonator and thought it was funny. A few of us decided to dress as them and go to their door on Halloween. We wore overalls and big black moustaches with pillows for big guts. They thought we were plumbers. I got a mini Oh Henry bar and kept it on my shelf in my room for about 2 years until a mouse ate it.

Mexican Zombie (age 17)

Zombie mask, poncho and a Sombrero. I’m not sure why.

King Tut (age 18)

Not the long dead Pharaoh. This was a character that I made up for a friend’s English class movie. He was kind of a cross between Sleazy P. Martini from Gwar and Borat. The outfit involved a 70s 3 piece suit, afro wig and moustache (the same moustache from the Resonator Twins days). I used to dress like King Tut quite a bit and walk around Burlington (for fun??!!) The movie we made was great. I wish I still had a copy.

Gay Scout Master (age 19)

I put on my dad’s old scout leader uniform and tied the shirt up around my chest ala Daisy Duke. The result? Very creepy. Especially when I was handing out candy to kids.

A Skid (age 20)

This was one of my favorite costumes. I had long black hair and a black baseball cap. A realistic black handlebar moustache, dirty old jeans and work boots, a chain wallet, a leather hip pack and a Skid Row “Slave to the Grind” t-shirt. None of my friends recognized me. I still have the t-shirt and wore it again years later to a white-trash Christmas party.

Beater Kid (21)

I don’t remember much about this costume. I was just supposed to be a kid that was big into hip-hop. Mainly to make fun of kids that were big into hip hop.

Scottish Football Hooligan (age 22)

This was a good one. Rangers track-suit, tartan hat with red hair, gold chains and rings, Scotland tattooed on my knuckles and red chest hair. Sadly I have family members that are kind of like this for real.

I Can’t Remember (age 23)

I Can’t Remember (age 24)

A Goth (age 25)

Pretty self explanatory. My girlfriend and I thought it would be funny. The best part is when we were at a party and someone looked at us and said “What are those Goths doing here?” Success.

Medieval Knievel (age 26)

I was going to a medieval themed Halloween party so I dressed part knight and part 70s daredevil. I wore a knight’s costume but I also had a crash helmet with a knight’s grill on it with Medieval Knieval written on the back in old English, mirror shades and biker gloves .

Alex from Clockwork Orange (age 27)

I DJed a night called Droog back then so it seemed fitting. The costume was pretty good considering I threw it all together on the night.

Scrambled Porn (age 28)

I was the scrambled porn station on your tv. I got a big cardboard box and made it into a tv set with a little channel 69 number in the corner. I painted my face blue and had a moustache. I bought a yellow t-shirt and painted a blue tit, some squiggly lines and a green boner on it. Beautiful in its simplicity.

Contrived Punk Rock (age 29)

This one is kind of hard to explain. My girlfriend and I wanted to go as this Punk Rock couple from an old Canadian disco show from back in the 70s. I’ve tried to find the video to post but I can’t. The video is awesome, our costumes…. not so much.

Liverpool Football Hooligan (age 30)

I was going to a party and couldn’t decide what to be. It seemed easy and it was. I wore pretty myuch what I wear anyways with a black eye and some fake tattoos.

Didn’t Dress Up (age 31)

Didn’t Dress Up (age 32)

Whew!That was fun. My brain hurts. See what I mean, the past 2 years… nothing. Next year I have to dress up. Thanks for reading. Hope you had a Happy Halloween.

Mwooohahahahahahahahaha!