Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0028

When I was a kid candy bars were a BIG deal. When my dad would take me to the store to get me a candy bar, choosing one was probably the most important decision in my life. My favorite was Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.

But the problem with Reese’s was that you only got two in a package. Now a days you get three. But when I was a little kid people weren’t so fucking fat so getting three cups in a Reese’s was a special, limited time thing.

And look what the little salad dodgers get now! Four cups and they get to be in Iron Man!!

If the three cup special was on then it was an easy decision. I’d get the Reese’s. But with only two cups my feeble little mind was open to temptation from other bars. I could go for the sheer size of a Mr. Big or Sweet Marie.

Which one was bigger was always up for debate but it was safe to say that they were both huge.

Plus they both looked like turds which gave them very important sister-bothering potential.

Or perhaps I was feeling somewhat more sophisticated, in which case I’d go for one of the dad bars such as a Coffee Crisp or Snickers.

Look at me, I’m dad. I just can’t get going in the morning without my coffee.

Although the squared off edges of the Snickers bar somewhat ruins its potential as an edible turd substitute, it still gets a tip of the shitty brim for its role in developing the phrase Bum Snicker.

Much like the modern rap star I was also drawn to all things shiny. This was how bars such as Aero or Caramilk won me over.

Before I ate it I would slide the paper off and pretend I had an actual gold bar in my possession.

Looking at this still kind of excites me.

Plus once I ate the candy bar I could save the foil and wrap other things in it and pretend that they were gold.

But what’s with all the nougat? Nougat sucks. It’s just this sweet chewy filler that they stick in the middle of candy bars when they can’t think of anything better to put in there. It might as well be Chinese newspapers or old gym mats as far as I’m concerned. If I was Mr. Goodbar or the Earl of Cadbury or whoever the fuck owns these candy bar companies and one of my candy bar inventors came to me with a new bar with nougat in the middle of it… let’s just say your new title of Candy Bar Tester Kids Ball Pitt Pee Mopper is about as fun and creative as it sounds.

Unnnnnh. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I don’t even know what nougat is. I know what chocolate is, I know what fudge is, I know what peanut butter is. But what’s in nougat? No clue.

Question 28: What the hell is nougat?



Magic Internet Answer: The word nougat comes from the Romance language Occitan and it means nut bread. Traditional nougat is most commonly made from honey, egg whites and nuts. It can be soft and chewy or quite crunchy depending on the consistency. There are three basic types of nougat: white nougat (made from beaten egg whites and honey), brown nougat (made from egg whites but with a firmer crunchy taste) and Viennese nougat (made with chocolate and nuts). Nougat has been around for over 500 years and has often been a delicacy or a special treat to be had at Christmas time.

Yuck. Yet another example of why foreign candy blows hobos.

The nougat that is found in most modern candy bars in the US and UK however differs from traditional recipes. It is a mixture of sucrose and corn syrup aerated with a whipping agent such as egg white or hydrolyzed soya protein or gelatine. It may also have vegetable fats and milk powder added. Despite its questionable ingredients this modern nougat has become quite popular and is no longer just filler for candy bars, as you suggested. It is often the soul or main ingredient in the bars.

Ugh. That’s disgusting. Grape flavor? And Turbo?! He was the shittyist Gladiator.

Give me Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and Malibu any day.

Look, he’s the same colour as the Reese’s package even.

Wow, candy bars still stress me out.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0023.

It's been fucking freezing here lately. I know us Canadians aren't supposed to complain about the cold and that I should really be out there in a pair of cargo shorts like one of those walking, talking Molson Canadian beer commercial assholes.

You call this cold?! I grew up in... (Insert name of shitty town north of you here).

But it's been -20C the last few days! Thankfully it's warmer in the city today. (If you call -4C warm). I think I might have even seen a little steam coming off a hobo.

But now instead of worrying about this:

Why can't a guy take a nude stroll over to Starlight Video to rent Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid without freezing to death?

I now have to worry abut these:

That's right, icicles. The silent killers. You're always hearing stories about them coming loose when the weather warms up and falling on unsuspecting pedestrians. They feel a drip, look up and Shtook! Right in the eye!

Like this but cold instead of hot.

When I was a kid I always thought that an icicle would make the perfect murder weapon because it would just melt inside the victim, leaving detectives scratching their heads at the bloody pool of water beside the body. (This is why you should never let your kids read Judy Blume books.) It seems only fitting  that the icy dagger at the heart of my fiendish adolescent plotting should break free from the eaves of Penthouse Dry Cleaners and pierce my adult heart.

Like this but ice instead of wood.

It would appear that there is no way to avoid my imminent, frosty demise. Or is there? I  remember reading about a guy called Vlad Tepes or as he was better known, Vlad the Impaler. I think he was the inspiration for Dracula. (And probably a dildo.) Anyway he liked to impale people on big sticks and watch them slowly die. If I remember right, he got so good at this that he could impale someone right down the middle but miss all their vital organs so they wouldn't die right away. If this is true than maybe I could utilize Vlad's art of impalement to save my own vital organs from a falling icicle by quickly shifting my body so as to let the frozen spear pass through it with minimal damage. But is it true? Was Vlad the Impaler even real? And could he really perform a full body piercing? It's Magic Internet Time.

Question 21: What was the deal with Vlad the Impaler?

Magic Internet Answer: Vlad the Impaler or Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia was a three time Voivode of Wallachia ruling from 1456 to 1462. Wallachia is a historical and geographical part of Romania that is now known as Southern Romania. The term Voivode translates roughly to Prince, Duke, or Count. It originates from a Slavic term that denoted the principal commander of a military force.

Not to be confused with Voivod, the principal commanders of sub-par Canadian thrash metal.

Vlad was also known by his sir name Dracula which meant son of the dragon.  This was a reference to his father who had joined the Order of the Dragons. It is believed but not undoubtedly proven that Bram Stoker's Count Dracula was based on Vlad Dracula.

And by the looks of him, so was Sasha Baron Cohen's Borat. I like!

Vlad was renowned most for his resistance of the Ottoman Empire and for the cruel punishments he imposed on his enemies including impalement. Impalement was a form of torture and execution that was used all over the world and all through out history. There are records of a form or impalement that was designed to prolong suffering in the victim. It involved a blunt stake being forced up through the perineum. (Or what modern dudes refer to as the taint.)

The stake had to be blunt so that it could push aside the internal organs instead of piercing them. The stake would eventually protrude through the upper sternum and rest under the chin. This would prevent the victim from sliding down the stake when it was hoisted aloft.

Hey, this impaler cheated and gave him a little seat. Woo look, doggies!

Vlad the Impaler hoisted many victims aloft of stakes. Thousands in fact. He would line the roads leading to his kingdom with them as a way to ward off approaching enemies. He also liked to arrange them in geometric patterns and he even created a virtual forest of impaled victims. According to these ancient woodblock prints he also liked to eat amongst his implements.

It's still nicer than Boston Pizza.

But these prints also offer important insight into Vlad's impalement methods. As you can see all of his victims were impaled through either the frontal or dorsal aspect. None are impaled vertically.This means that Vlad did not practice a form of impalement that prolonged the life (and suffering) of his victims. So it would seem that you can not turn to Vlad Tepes for tips on how to lessen the damage a falling icicle will do to your body. I would also like to add that most icicles are fairly sharp and would likely pierce your organs, not push them aside. Furthermore the icicle would have to enter your body from below through the for mentioned taint. So unless you are walking on your hands I think it would be better to try and avoid falling icicles altogether instead of attempting to contort your body into the shape of an ancient torture victim or modern day death metal album cover.

Thanks Magic Internet. I don't know what I was thinking when I came up with this one. But I know what I'm thinking now...

I could really go for a Pogo.

Smell ya later.