Christmas with the Creeps 2: That 80s breakdancing movie. The second One.

How about an...

Air Swimmer.

Now we’re talking! I know it looks kind of gay but so does everything else in that picture. You’ve got to see it in action.



Two questions come to mind regarding that commercial. 1: Why were all the kids at that party in bathing suits? And 2: Was that mall they showed the same one that Commando went nuts in?

For my own personal enjoyment, I’m going to say… yes.

But back to Air Swimmers. I think I like them. In a weird, freak people out kind of way. If I had one of those and a time machine I could go back to Woodstock circa 1969 and rule.

Yes master.

Then again if I had a time machine I could go back to 1971 and write Smoke on the Water before Deep Purple does (it’s really easy to play) and rule anyway without even needing the fish.

Yes master.

There are a few problems with the Air Swimmer though. First off you have to fill it up with helium. Unless you’re a clown or a pedophile (most often one in the same) you probably don’t keep a tank of helium at home. That means you can either give it to your children on Christmas morning un-blown up along with a, kid-pointless, speech about how rad it will be 3 days from now when you finally get it filled (note: your child will cast it into the lame pile along with the sox and the educational toys) or you can do the right thing and fill it up before hand. Now,  not only does that mean having to suffer through the pain of going to one of those depressing party stores on Christmas eve but also how do you wrap it?

2 words: You can’t.

And that kind of spoils the surprise. I suppose you could still make it a surprise by flying it into little Timmy’s bedroom on Christmas morning and scaring the living shit out of him but that can be done a lot more cheaply with a real dead fish.

Timmy, wake up, Santa’s here!

But the biggest downfall of the Air Swimmer is that it’s going to pop. You know it is. I’d give it an hour after your kid gets his hands on it to 48 hours tops. And then your child will cry and demand a new one. You can give in if you like but that will just send you into an endless downward spiral of exploding balloon fish, tears and financial hardship. What the Air Swimmer people should do is include a little conciliation prize inside the balloon kind of like a piñata. Nothing major, maybe some candy or a little toy like you get in a Kinder Egg.

Hmm. Maybe include some ear plugs too.

All in all I’d say the Air Swimmer is a pretty cool toy but maybe not for Christmas. It will probably wind up on the bad toy list next year when some stoner kid flies it into his own face while toking up and winds up looking like he’s been hot boxing with Travis the chimp.

Next.