I don't have internet access... unga bunga.

It amazes me when people say I don’t have access to the internet. That’s like saying I don’t have access to a phone. Not even a payphone!

The only people that still use payphones are drug dealers and crack-heads. They should all just get walkie-talkies together (except the crack-heads would undoubtedly sell theirs for crack).

Ten four good buddy. Lung Warts over and out!

But you don’t even have to pay for internet access. You can go into any library and use their computers. Sure you might have to share it with homeless men that want to look up pornography but it’s still free.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to lend a helping hand to those out there that claim to have no internet access. I’m going to provide you with a service.

The internet by mail.

Here’s what you do:

1) You write a letter to me and tell me what you want to look up online.

2) I (or one of my trusted staff of library homeless men) will Google your query, print off the list of findings and mail it back to you.

3) You select which of the Google hits you’d like to investigate further, circle it and send it back to me.

4) I (or a hobo) will click on you selection and screen print the resulting website. All further clickable areas on the website will be highlighted and the printed copy will be mailed to you.

5) If you wish to delve further into your selected web page, simply circle the highlighted clickable area on your web page print out and return it to us.

6) We will repeat step 4.

7) You may repeat step 5.

8) We will repeat step 6.

There will be an initial charge of $5 for your search and $1 for each additional click, plus postage. For the cost of only $10,000 you can join our VIP mailing list. I will hand deliver your search results on horse back, wearing my finest tweeds like the messengers of old.

Now I was about to give you payment and mailing instructions but wait. You’ll never see this. Because you don’t have access to the fucking internet! Well too bad you ridicules collection of cavemen, CHUDs and Amish. Instead I will post videos to offend you all. Good day.







P.S. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?

Answer: A mechanic!