I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 36

Last night I watched this documentary called Cropsey. It was about this urban legend that Staten Island camp councilors used to tell kids. They told them that there was this lunatic called Cropsey that lived in these tunnels below an abandoned insane asylum. Then the councilors would take the kids into the woods and show them the asylum and other councilors would be waiting to jump out and scare them. But as it turns out back in the 70s and 80s some Staten Island kids did go missing and they convicted a man that may have lived below the Willowbrook Mental Institution. The same place that the councilors used to take the kids!

You know your summer camp sucks when the itinerary involves a day trip here. I wonder where they took them the next day? Maybe a brisk hike to the Staten Island dump to see all of Manhattan’s garbage.

Alright kids, you can each take one piece home.

It was a pretty good documentary all in all. It was well researched and had some great archival news footage. It even had an old clip from 1972 of Geraldo Rivera exposing the appalling conditions of the Willowdale Institute. That’s right Geraldo Rivera doing actual news!
Hey ladies. Think Geraldo’s got a Coke bottle in his vault?

Anyway Cropsey is worth a watch. Here’s the trailer:

When I was a kid I went to two different summer camps; Camp Baridaka and Camp Kitchikewana. They both had legends about some killer weirdo. Baridaka had this farm house at the top of a hill where they said Old man Lowville lived. The councilors said that he killed children and that if his cows were in the field then Old Man Lowville was in and not to go near. They probably just didn’t want some dumb kid getting kicked in the head by a cow.

Robby gets kicked down by a cow - Watch more Funny Videos

One kid said that he saw Old Man Lowville and that he was blue.

Lying Dumb Kid File Photo: Old Man Lowville

Or maybe he ment this kind of blue:

That’s More Like It File Photo: Old Man Lowville

Regardless, Baradaka was just a day camp so I wasn’t that scared. We were bused in and out of there every day for a week, we only had to sleep over on the last night and the scariest thing about that was having to eat this concoction called the Baridaka Barf for dinner. Every kid was told to bring a can of something to camp with them. Soup, vegetables, beans, Beefaroni, it didn’t matter. Then they’d cook it all in one big pot and serve it to us in what was a bizarre culinary tradition that combined and laziness and cruelty.

Alright kids, you each get one hurl.

But Camp Kitchikewana was different. It was a sleep away camp on an island that was only accessible by boat.

Videoflicks had already taught me that this was not a good thing.

At Kitchikewana the counselors told us about Black Tom. Legend has it that Black Tom was this giant Indian that got into a fist fight with another man and killed him. They sent Tom to prison but he escaped. Somehow during the escape Black Tom lost one of his hands. Some of the counselors said that one of the prison guard dogs bit it off while chasing him others said it got torn off by barbed wire when he was going over the prison fence. But they all agreed that Black Tom was so evil that in place of his hand a big black claw grew out of the stump. I know it sounds like bullshit but it scared us kids. They’d take us around the camp at night and show us all these claw marks and claim they were from Black Tom. One kid was so scared that he wouldn’t leave the cabin to go the bathroom at night and he peed his bunk.

We shamed him mercilessly.

But maybe it wasn’t bullshit. Maybe there’s some truth to the Black Tom legend just like Cropsey. Now I could spend several years of my life researching and filming my own documentary but I’ve got  better things to do. So Magic Internet it is.

Question 36: Is there any truth to the camp Kitchikewana legend of Black Tom?

Magic Internet Answer: I regret to inform you Johnny that there seems to be little to no truth in your legend of black Tom. But you should not find this surprising as the idea of a man growing a claw out of a severed appendage is highly doubtful. No human has ever re-grown a severed limb and although there have been some incidents of elderly people growing horns, none have grown claws.

Maybe her body is adapting to her lack of teeth?

However, there is an old Huron legend associated with Kitchikiwana. The Indian’s say that Kitichikiwana was the name of a giant god that was bigger than the C.N. Tower.

Like Apache Chief!

Well, yes, sort of Johnny. They say he wore a headdress made of thousands of bird feathers and a robe made from 600 beaver pelts

All Apache Chief wore was a loin cloth.

And good thing it grew too cause chief’s wang probably got as big as a school bus.

Would you shut up about Apache Chief! Now the legend says that Kitchikiwanna watched over Georgian Bay but the other gods noticed that Kitchikiwanna was always angry. So they tried to appease him by finding him a wife. So they gathered all the most beautiful women of the tribes and Kitchikiwanna picked one named Wanakita. Only Wanakita did not want to be with Kitchikiwanna.

Yeah, I wonder why.

No, Johnny. It was because she was already in love with another man. A warrior from her tribe. And when Kitchikiwanna found out he was so mad that he picked up a giant handful of the earth and threw it into Georgian Bay in a fit of rage. And they say that the earth that he threw created the 30,000 Islands and that the marks of his fingers created the 5 bays; Midland, Penatang Hog Sturgeon and Matchedash. After that Kitchikiwanna lay down heartbroken and fell asleep forever and you can still see him today as Giant’s Tomb Island

So perhaps your legend of the giant Indian Black Tom has its root buried in the legend of Kitchikiwanna but mainly it was just the Kitchikiwanna camp counselors pulling your leg.

Hey, speaking of leg pulling, there was a kid in my cabin there that had a fake leg and he would take it off to go in the lake for morning dip and one day some kids stole it and put it on top of the cubby holes where he couldn’t reach. Wow, kids really are assholes, no wonder adults want to scare them all the time. Well thanks Magic Internet. That Indian story kind of sucked but at least I won’t have nightmares about Black Tom anymore. I’ll be too busy having nightmares about this.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh ! Check ya later.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 35

Good news everyone! The LFL is bringing a team to Toronto! For those of you that don’t follow professional sports, the LFL is short for the Lingerie Football League. That’s right, women in lingerie playing tackle football.

You may wonder how this came about. Well I’m going to turn the floor over to someone that best reflects your average LFL fan to give you his views on the evolution of women’s sports.

File Photo: Average LFL fan

First there was mud wrestling.

This evolved in Jell-O/Pudding wrestling.

Like mud wrestling but hey I can eat that!

Then came Foxy Boxing.

This started the trend of technical ability in women’s sport (beyond the bikini top pull down).

Then Beach Volleyball.

Less physical contact but hey there’s more of them and they’re bending over a lot.

But I like physical contact. Like football!!

Except they bend over a lot.

And I don’t like that. It makes me feel funny. Solution?


Seriously, who is going to watch LFL? Who is going to sit in a stadium with a bunch of horny men and watch women in lingerie attempt to play full contact football? How creepy would that be? They’ll probably have to employ wank police.

Just put him in the cell with the others and if they start up again turn the hose on them.

And do you think they have cheerleaders? What would they be like?

And if you think that’s bad, wait till some of the fans start wearing replica kits.

Go team!

The only plus side I can see to all this is that some of those creepy strip club devotees might get out in the sun for a day. I wonder if strip clubs feel threatened by the LFL? If they do I’m sure I’ll read all about it on the Filmore’s sign.

Filmore’s is a Toronto gentleman’s club on the edge of bum town. The Filmore’s sign has been a constant source of enjoyment for me over the years. Some of my favorite sign slogans include:

Naked chick and hockey sticks. Go leaf go!

Ten ounce steak and a face dance $10.99.

Schools out. The teachers aren’t working but the students are. At Filmore’s.
Currently I believe it says something about Charlie Sheen. Inviting him in to see some real goddess or something. How does it keep up with current events? Oh, oh, oh! The other week it had something up about some visiting porn start but under that it said FIlmore’s – Home of the original bunga bunga room. What the fuck is a bunga bunga room?! At first I thought maybe it was like that dark room with the trap door in it that Porky tricks all the teens into in Porky’s

But I’m pretty sure there’s no water under Filmore’s. So what the heck is it.

Question No. 35: What is a bunga bunga room?

Magic Internet Answer: The term bunga bunga does have real meaning in some languages. In the Filipino it is slang for something fashionable and in Indonesian it means flower.

Plaid sports coat + lacrosse mask + pompadore = Filipino bunga bunga

However bunga bunga takes on a much more complicated meaning in modern western popular culture. Its origins can be traced back to one Horce De Vere Cole, a British poet and prankster who masterminded the Dreadnaught prank back in 1910. This involved Cole tricking the British Admiralty into believing he was the Prince of Abyssinia and giving Cole and his friends including Virginia Wolf a tour of the HMS Dreadnought.

Dreadnought is also slang for a large unflushable turd.

Fascinating Johnny . In order for Cole and his friends to pull off the hoax they had to dress up as Abyssinian royalty. The Captain of the ship fell for their rather racist attire and gave them a tour. Whenever he pointed out some extraordinary feature the group would shout, bunga bunga. The photograph shown below and an account of the hoax were sent to the Daily Mail and thus bunga bunga entertained into English popular culture.

File Photo: Bunga Bungers

But it took nearly 100 years for the phrase bunga bunga to become popular again. Last year Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi used the phrase to describe sex parties that he had attended with prostitutes. There are several theories as to why Berlusconi called them bunga bunga parties but the most believable one is that it stems from a favorite joke that the Prime Minister liked to tell at parties. Here is a reasonable facsimile of that joke:

Berlusconi and one of his rivals have been captured by an African tribe. They are given one of two choices. Death or bunga bunga. Berlusconi’s rival chooses bunga bunga, believing anything to be better than death. Upon choosing bunga bunga he is immediately set upon by the entire tribe and literally fornicated to death. When it comes Berlusconi’s turn to choose he chooses death, attempting to save himself from the same fate as his rival. Upon hearing the selection a large smile crosses the tribal chief’s face and he yells out, Death it is. Death by bunga bunga.
It is an old joke and we can see how the phrase bunga bunga would enter into it. Bunga bunga when used by Horce De Vere Cole was ment to be a humorous childish form of Africanism. And in the joke it is used in the same way. Perhaps Berlusconi chose to share the word with the public to down play his scandal but regardless of his intentions it became a house hold word in Italy.

Now it has become synonymous with sex parties and orgies. In the world of strip clubs it often refers to a room where many strippers will compete for a V.I.P.’s attention, the winning stripper then engaging in prostitution. This Filmore’s gentleman’s club that you have referred too may have a room where such events take place but it is doubtful that their room is the oldest. If their topical signage is anything to go by it is most likely that they are merely trying to profit from the use of the popular bunga bunga phrase.

Wow! Who knew that Filmore’s sign used such rich historical language? Basically what you’re saying is that Filmore’s is now quoting Virginia Wolfe.

10 Ounce Steak & a Face Dance – The new uncovered novel by Virginia Wolfe

I shall read it cover to cover.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

.I want myyyyy wiener back, wiener back, wiener back, wiener back, wiener back… baby.

Have you seen this baby that was born with an extra wiener on his back?
It’s true.

I wonder how the father felt when he heard the news. Proud? Confused? I’m going to go with the later on this one seeing as the baby was immediately rushed to Tianjin Children’s Hospital to have his extra member removed. They should put it in a jar and label it Pete Best.

Ba-dum-dum. Ting!

Thanks Pete, you’re a sport. Apparently this extra wiener thing, although rare, does happen from time to time. There’s even a name for it: Fetus in fetu. Sounds like the name of a death metal album.

Hey, it is!

Oh and the love of God, don’t Google Image search it. Speaking of God, what was he thinking putting a wiener back there? What good is that? At least put it in front where he can keep an eye on it and not have to wear custom made Fruit of the Looms that look like a harness. Yea it’s probably for the best that they had it removed. Apparently the surgeons took 3 hours to take it off. 3 hours?! It doesn’t look like much to me. You’d think they could just freeze it and knock the thing off with a ball peen hammer. At least he’ll have a cool scar to impress all the ladies with. Still, I wonder what the future would bring if he had kept it? If he was born 100 years ago he’d have a promising carrier in the freak show circuit.

Step right up ladies and gentleman and bear witness to the human wonder that is the man with two members. He doesn’t know wither he is coming or going. Sometimes it’s both! Good sirs prepare to marvel with a mix of fear and jealousy. Good ladies, please insure that your fainting cushions are thoroughly fluffed. Only 5 cents. Only 5 cents. 5 will get you 2. Just half a nickel per pickle…

Meh, he’s not so great. I could have 4 wangs under all this for all you know.

But even though some may want to pursue a carrier exploiting their physical appearance freak shows are considered cruel and have no place in modern society.

Unless they involve little people on TLC.

I guess there’s always pornography. Anything goes in that industry. But I don’t even want to think about how that would work and who would want to see that.

We would.
Oh god, no!

Maybe he could star in a feature length Hollywood Blockbuster. Kind of a Tarzan meets Jaws meets the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Here’s a brief plot summary.
  • Boy is born with wiener on back
  • Mean parents don’t want him and throw him into the sea
  • Sharks come but instead of eating him they treat him as one of their own and raise him
  • Boy grows into teenager and swims to Fort Lauderdale for spring break
  • Gratuitous shots of bikini girls partying on the beach
  • Shots of boner breaking the surface of the water and going back and forth to some of that duh dum music
  • Teenage girl/toddler/dog gets attacked in the water
  • Everyone says it must be a shark but gnarled old shark hunting guys says something like No shark did this. These bites are human.
  • No one believes him
  • Gratuitous shots of bikini girls partying on the beach
  • More shots of the boner in the water but this time it’s just some teenage guys playing a joke with a dildo (this adds extra suspense)
  • One of them gets eaten
  • Surgeon on a deep sea fishing vacation tells everyone that he thinks it’s a rare case of fetus-in-fetu-raised-by-sharks syndrome and that all the added testosterone from the extra wang has turned the shark boy into a man eater
  • Some stuff happens
  • Some jokes involving phrases like hump back and back stroke are tossed around
  • Surgeon and old gnarled shark hunter guy team up to hunt down the shark boy and remove his extra wang
  • Old gnarled shark hunter guy gets eaten
  • Surgeon manages to remove the extra wiener (I don’t know how, in a diving suit while he’s sleeping or something)
  • Shark boy returns to normal and is brought onto the boat and covered with a blanket
  • Surgeon tosses the extra wiener over board
  • Under water shot of the wiener swimming away on its own (sequel)
  •  Roll credits (my name in big letters as director)

 What do you think? I think I’ve got the makings of a spine tingling thriller.


Ba-dum-dum. Ting!

 Thanks again Pete.

Well, I’m about all out of crazy for today. If anyone needs me I’ll be in the tub.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0034

Bad news people. It’s fruit boot season again.

Yep. These guys are already starting to clog the bike lanes. Doing those little spins at traffic lights and even going backwards from time to time. Is there anything gayer than rollerblades?

Nope. There isn’t.

When I was a kid there was only roller skates. There was a roller rink in Burlington called Roller Gardens. I was never much of a skater so I didn’t really go there. But sometimes I’d go with my dad to pick up my sister. My only memories of the place was watching guys try to play the arcade games on roller skates and slowly rolling away from the machine while still holding onto the joy sticks and seeing like a 7 foot black guy with a giant afro, rainbow suspenders and furry roller skates roller discoing to Boogie Wonderland. Man what the fuck was up with roller disco?

Did anyone actually buy and seriously read this magazine? Maybe the 2 subscribers met up and had heated debates on what film is better. Roller Boogie or Skatetown U.S.A.

Guys, guys, guys. Quite fighting. They’re both gay. Maybe having wheeled feet has always been gay. I can only think of 2 instances where it hasn’t been. One was this guy I kind of knew in high school who was really tough and used to hit a heavy bag in his basement while wearing rollerblades so he could fight better in hockey games and the other is the fight scene in Road Racers.

But wait. What about Roller Derby? Is that cool? I know it was popular in the early 70s and they tried to bring it back in the late 80s with Roller Games, this wacked out show that looked like American Gladiators on wheels.

And now it seems to be popping up again as this hip underground sport for tattooed vampy girls and the men that like them.

To be honest I don’t really know much about roller derby. I’ve watched it a few times but it makes no sense to me. They just seem to go around and around occasionally hitting each other or whipping one of their own team mates forward. Are there rules to roller derby? Is there an objective, a winner even? I don’t know. But I know who does.

Question 34: What is the rules/point of roller derby?

Magic Internet Answer: Some roller derby is considered merely sports entertainment in which much of the proceedings are staged and rule sets are not closely followed. However, if we are discussing contemporary roller derby then there is points to be awarded for completing an objective and there can be a winner. There are also strict rules to follow. Rule sets for contemporary roller derby (CRD) have been put forth by a number of organizations. The Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA), the World Organization of Roller Derby (WORD) and the Old School Derby Association (OSDA) have all created rule sets but it is the WFTDA rules that seem to be used most frequently in modern CRD.

CRD is based on formation roller skating around a closed oval track, usually in a counter clockwise motion. Each team sends 5 players onto the track. Of these 5 players one will be designated as a Jammer (indicated by a star on the player’s helmet), one will be designated as a pivot (indicated by a stripe on the player’s helmet and the remaining 3 players will be designated blockers (wearing plane coloured helmets). The objective of the game is for the Jammer to lap the opposing team’s players. That is to skate in front of them, skate completely around the track and skate in front of them again. The team will be awarded one point for each successful lap of opposing team players by a Jammer. The opposing team will attempt to block the Jammer while at the same time trying to aid their own Jammer in successfully lapping their opponents. The Jammer can also hand over their position by trading helmets with the Pivot. The Pivot then becomes the Jammer and the Jammer becomes a blocker.

Here we see both helmets depicted in a highly regrettable leg tattoo.

There is a long list of other rules governing time limits, fouls, penalties and start measurements. They can be found here on the  WFTDA website. But I believe the information I have given you is sufficient for enjoyment of the sport. For I believe that is the true point of roller derby, enjoyment. With an underlying emphasis on physical exercise.

Well there you have it everyone. You now know the basic rules of roller derby. And guess what? You can’t unlearn them! They’re in your head. Possibly forever! Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Isn’t the brain a wonderful thing?

High-five big, pink buddy!