I've got it all figured out.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Computers: Weird Science

Weird Science was on TV yesterday.

Safe to say that I watched it. When the Geek starts preaching, I have to take a pew.

Weird Science is a classic example of what people believed computers were capable of in the 80s. With the help of movies and television people thought that all you needed was enough geeky computer know-how and you could make a Commodore 64 do anything (this theory still exists today but it only pertains to the latest Apple product).

(Am I the only one that thinks having a giant iphone that isn’t even a phone is retarded?)

The whole magical computer thing was something that happened over and over in the 80s.

Revenge of the Nerds did it:

Electric Dreams did it:

And don’t even get me started on Automan:

It’s hilarious to see how computers have developed in television and movies over the past three decades. The 1980s computers were no better then a modern day calculator yet people believed they were capable of absolutely anything. All you had to do was mention the word hologram and people believed you could create anything out of thin fucking air.

In the 90s computers suddenly became important to everyone. That’s when it lost its wonder and became boring. We all had to sit through those dramatic 90s movies and TV shows with the suspenseful computer scenes.

I could also say something about the movie You’ve Got Mail but just thinking about it makes me throw up in my mouth a bit.

In the new millennium we went back to thinking computers were amazing again but being a bit more grounded about it. That’s because the technology finally came along that made the average computer capable of doing amazing things. Of course that technology is completely lost on all the people that thought computers were magic in the 80s. Now you have to sit around listening to parents say things like I barely know how to turn the thing on and my 5 year old son is uploading his own videos to Youtube Hahahahahahaha (x 5 other adults). 

Yep the 2000s have seen the movie computer become the tool of kids and teens, pretty much the same people that used it in the 80s. But today’s weird scientists are less science and more weird.

P.S. When I was a kid I watched that episode of Automan where he goes undercover as a stripper. After seeing that I decided that I wanted to be a stripper. I went into my room, dressed up as Zorro, came back downstairs and striped seductively to my underwear in front of my mom and my sister.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I Saw a Blind Guy at the Zoo.

For the past few years I’ve made it a Birthday tradition to take the day off and visit the zoo.

This past year was no exception. What was exceptional though is that I saw a blind guy there!

Now I don’t wish to poke fun at the blind (no that is not a cane joke) or belittle their plight. It would suck to be blind. I love looking at things. But the zoo? Come on. There must be better ways for a blind guy to spend his time.

Some might say, Well maybe he wasn’t blind. Maybe he was just visually impaired. I understand that there are different degrees of blindness but this guy had a cane. It seems to me that if you’ve got a cane then you can’t see much. Hell some of the animals are hard enough to see with 20:20 vision. They hide in their huts and sleep all day. What are they teenagers? (I dedicate that joke to everbody's mom.) I think the zoo should have to refund me 10 cents for every one of the little fuckers that stays in its hidey-hole or lays in the corner with its back to me. I’m talking to YOU Capybara!

Sorry. I got carried away there. What I’m trying to say is that the zoo is a visual experience. I mean fine. If you keep your ears open and are lucky, you might hear a lion roar or a chimp masturbate but that’s about it. It’s not a petting zoo. You’d have to be Stevie Wonder or that guy with the harelip from Red Dragon to get that kind of treatment.

The only other thing I can think of for a blind person to do at the zoo is smell the animals. Some of them really do smell. The hippo for one. Just look at how he marks his territory.

They say that when you’re blind, you’re other senses become heightened. I don’t know why anyone would want to heighten the aroma of that.

The gorillas smell too. It’s kind of like a really intense BO. You know you’re getting near the gorilla enclosure when it starts to smell like a movie theatre that’s just shown all three Matrix.

This guy x 200 x 9 hours =

Maybe the zoo has a special itinerary that they hand out to blind people so they can get the most out of the zoo smelling experience.


10:00 AM – Start your day with a hearty whiff of the Warthog wallow.
11:30 AM – Meet the Vulture keeper during feeding time. As he tosses dead guinea pigs to our two adult White Headed Vultures, prepare your nostrils for a burst or aroma when the birds strong beaks lacerate their bloated carrion. If your lucky you may also catch the heady stench of the vulture’s reeking, corrosive vomit . No applause please as the birds often use this same vomit as a defensive projectile when threatened.

1:00 PM – Our endangered White Elephants will be shitting from 1:00 PM until about 1:20PM. Come bare pungent witness to these majestic creatures.
2:00 PM – High tea with the Olive Baboon. The Olive Baboon gets its name from its coat which is a greenish-grey from distance. The bare patch of the baboon's rump, famously seen in cartoons and movies, is a good deal smaller in the Olive Baboon but it still fucking stinks. Enjoy.

3:15 PM – Meet the Maribou Stork. This bird often nicknamed “the Undertaker” do to it’s appearance can often be found in Africa’s human habitations (near dead things and dumpsters). The bird's steady diet of rotted carcasses, garbage and even feces makes it a nostral stinging delight.

4:00 PM – The River Hippo. No trip to the Metro Toronto Zoo is complete with out an up-close and personal experience with our very own river hippo Garry. Dawn an MTZ rain poncho (available in the gift shop) and fight your way to the front. As Garry launches shit at you with his powerful swinging tail, close your eyes and let your nose take you to the banks of Africa’s life giving rivers. (note: you WILL get splattered).

Now THAT'S an experience and a great way for the blind guy to relax and forget about his day job.

Aaaahahahahahaha. (I dedicate that  joke to everbody’s dad.)

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go watch that hippo shit again.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Case of the Mondays Numero Uno: Hipsters.

Welcome to the first (and probably last) installment of Case of the Mondays.

Today’s topic suggested by “Anonymous“ was chosen by default as it was the only topic suggested (Gee guys, nice effort). So without further ado…


What can I say about hipsters that hasn’t already been complained by just about everybody? Well first off I should address the Toronto hipsters of Queen St W. These people aren’t even real hipsters. I’ve been to Williamsburg and I’ve seen the genuine articles. It’s kind of like seeing an animal in the wild versus an animal at the zoo. They seem more comfortable and more confident in their own New York environment. The real New York hipsters have a sassy drag queen quality to Toronto’s forced to dress like a woman by my cellmate look.

Is that making any sense? Maybe I’m being too abstract. Maybe I should try another approach. Let’s say that NY Hipsters are hippies. Not a far stretch really (Self-righteous? Check. Freeloading? Check. High all the time? That’s a check). The one thing the NY Hipsters have going for them is that they’re the genuine article. They were at Woodstock, if you catch my drift. That makes the Toronto hipsters just Deadheads or even worse Phisheads! And that’s just sad.

But where did hipsters come from? They’re a fairly new phenomenon as far as pop culture goes. I’m no expert but I do have a theory. I believe that hipsters evolved out of Vice Magazine.

Now I know that Vice has been on a steady decline ever since they moved to New York but in its hey day Vice was like a bible for the young and cool. Their Dos section told girls that if they wanted to give guys “instant boners” all they had to do was pair slim jeans with heels. Meanwhile they were telling guys to drop the metro-sexual tan and faux-hawk, get some tats, grow a beard and pick up a Pabst. There was one article in particular that was a breakdown of what the ultimate Do guy and girl were like. It essentially described (one evolution) of the hipster to a tee. I wish I could find that article online to post it but I do remember that Vice made dolls based on it that they sold in their store.

One can argue that Vice didn’t create hipsters so much as just reported on what they saw on the streets. Even if they didn’t it can’t be denied that Vice had a hand at selling hipsterdom to the masses. That appears to be their final gift to the world before they faded away into unimportance. And maybe Vice had good intentions. I mean girls in tight jeans and heels do look good. Some guys look good with a beard. Pabst Blue ribbon isn’t that bad for a cheap beer. I’m more of a Lucky Lager guy myself but that might have less to do with it being a good beer and more to do with that scene with Brad Pitt in Kalifornia.

By the way have you seen Brad Pitt’s beard lately?

It’s like he’s trying to make himself ugly. Like some kind of experiment.

A lot of people begin things with good intentions. Dr. Oppenheimer, Dr. Frankenstein, and Tom Arnold’s dad are just a few that come to mind. And like these men of science, Vice were forced to watch their creation grow into a twisted monster.

The jeans became skinnier and more garish.

Pssst. Did you know guys wear these?!

The tattoos became more plentiful and meaningless

And the facial hair… have seen what’s going on with that?!

But worst of all is the scarves. Those FUCKING scarves!

It’s all enough to make you want to clean the chunks of Tom Arnold off your pitch fork and round up the townsfolk.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ok. We'll try this one more time. Leave your topic ideas for next week's Case of the Mondays in the comments section below. Capiche?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Johnny’s Dictionary of Hate.

There are 228,132 words in the Oxford English Dictonary. 171,476 of these are words that are currently in use. 47,156 of these are words considered obsolete (I’m assuming these are words like wisenheimer, cassette-single and using the word “tight” to refer to getting drunk). A further 9,500 words are derivative words included as subentries. That’s a lot of words. Right Cameo?

Surely we don’t need all of them. People these days don’t use words anyway. They use slang and jargon and sexting. With that in mind I have a list of words that I just can’t stand and I would gladely see them eradicated from the English language. These words, both spoken and read, cut into me like a dentists drill. These are the words I hate:

Boo verb Used by cranky, backwards, middle-aged women in place of the word look.

When I was in grade 10 I had to do a co-op placement. I was really into art back then and I wanted to have a placement with an artist. I came very close to getting a placement with a guy that air-brushed vans but he took too long to call back (Why doesn’t that surprise me?)

So in desperation they placed me with a grade 7 & 8 art teacher. Instead of air-brushing naked barbarian chicks riding wolves onto the sides of chevys for the next 6 weeks I was sentenced to cleaning out her back room and babysitting these moronic brats. She loved the word boo and used it at least 10 times a day. To this day I hate that word. Oh and she drove a Chrystler Le Baron.

Fuck, come on.

Kitty-Corner adjective Used by folksy people in place of the two perfectly good words diagonally and across.

Kitty-corner. Say it to yourself. It sounds stupid. You sound stupid when you say it. What are you a baby? The only time I might accept this word is when its spoken by an 80 year old country person in response to a question about where to find the general store

This guy can say kitty-corner. Not you!

Riffing verb Uttered by hipsters and people that still read Vice Magazine when talking about what an awesome time they had joking and talking with someone.

Once used to describe the free flowing talent of early jazz musicians riffing is a word that many people now use in order to make a night of getting drunk and/or stoned with their friends cooler and more intellectual.

Oh, we had the best time last night! We smoked some chemo purple lights that my friend snuck back from Amsterdam, and stayed up all night snorting riddlin and riffing on bad late-night tv.

Yea, that sounds great Oscar Peterson. Count me out. Riffing is a word probably used by this guy:

When he talks about hanging out with this guy:

Wow, look at that. Pictures DO speak louder then words. Nothing more needs to be said (or riffed).

Craft noun A word pretentious people use to describe their job.

Craft to me will always mean that thing kids do with scissors, construction paper and glue. If you google craft the first images that come up all look pretty much like this:

Yep, that’s a craft. No where do I see pictures of bad improv actors, coffee baristas, interpretive dancers or gay guys that dress store mannequins. Hell, Jonathan Switcher was the best mannequin dresser in the business and I don’t think I ever heard him use the word craft once.

So call it your job or call it your passion. Just don’t call it your craft. If you really feel the need to use the word craft for something other then little kid busy work then stick a K on it and tell me it’s what you’re having for dinner.

Those are just a small sample of the words I hate. I’m sure there are more and maybe I will write a follow-up in the future. Oh, and I’d like to give a special mention to almost every word uttered by people that are into rap music.

Feel free to tell me what words you hate.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Turning Me into We!

Sometimes I think my Blog is a little too self-serving.

(I hate buffets. When Gordon Ramsey dies and goes to hell for being such a dick he’s going to have to eat at the Mandarin for all eternity. )

I don’t know how many people out there read The Creep Show but I’d kind of like to find out. Or at least attempt to engage you all a little better. One can never have enough internet weirdos in one’s life.

I’d like The Creep Show to be just that. A show! So I’m going to attempt a little experiment here. Every Monday I’m going to ask YOU the reader to suggest a topic for a blog post. Just rattle it off in the comments section. Anything you’d like me to give my thoughts about. Maybe you want to hear about how much I love Weekend at Bernie’s.

Or how much I like Panda Bears.

Or both!

See there I go again. Telling you what I like. I want to know what you all like. Or don’t like. Or think is stupid (I think Jersey Shore falls into all three of those categories).

Let me know. You can give me one word or as much as you like. If things work out we’ll do this every week and it will be called Case of the Mondays

The chosen one will be posted next Monday.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Office Survivor.

There was a very bad earthquake in Hattie yesterday. This is a terrible thing for sure but it got me wondering. How would I survive in my office if I was trapped in here during a disaster?

Example of Disaster:

Let’s say I was trapped in my office with no power and no way to leave the building. What are my options? In order to survive I need to THINK like a survivor.

Yes! Like Les Stroud, Survivorman . For those of you who haven’t heard of Les Stroud he has a show where he goes off into the wilderness and simulates an accident or lost situation then survives for days. He films the whole thing himself too. He is a bad ass. If Les Stroud were on the show Survivor he would pull up to tribal council in a wild boar shit powered bamboo limo with a monkey butler driver while all the other contestants complained about how dirty their hair is and how much they want chocolate.

Now what would Les say? Let’s see. First, don’t panic. I need to keep a level head to survive in my office. Don’t freak out!

There’s No Time! There’s Never Any Time!!

There are three basic elements man needs for survival:

1) Shelter.

I’ve got that covered. I’m trapped in my office for Christ’s sake.

2) Food.

The body needs food. I read somewhere that when you are out hiking you should eat the things you like least first. That way the next thing you eat is always better. That being said I have just done a perusal of the office mini-fridge and I have discovered the following edibles:

1 Jaffa Cake

My boss brought these back from the UK. There is only one left. I can’t figure out why as they are disgusting. This will be eaten first.

1 Apple

It’s not a good apple. It’s one of those really small mealy looking apples. Who knows how long it’s been in there? It probably has that gross fridge taste and the texture of oatmeal.

1 Small Salad

I hope there’s a frog in there as it will provide much needed protein.

1 Orange

Not that kind, the fruit kind. Um, I mean the edible kind. Maybe it’s a cumquat. Never mind.

1 Sandwich

I don’t know who’s it is or what’s on it but I guess it doesn’t matter in a life or death situation. Just as long as it’s not canned salmon. I hate that shit.

1 Container of Blueberries

I love blueberries. (Did you know they’re not really blue inside?!) These are perfect for surviving. I can ration them out a few at a time as I need them. Plus I can use the bad ones to maybe lure rodents into the office that I will also eat.

Mmm. Mickey Mouse meat.

1 Container of Ziggy’s Macaroni & Cheese salad

This disaster thing better not happen after lunch because if it does the Ziggy’s will be looooong gone. Fuck it I’m eating it first regardless, just because I love it so much.

That should be enough to sustain me for some time. This brings me to the third and most important thing I need for office survival.

3) Water.

Despite what you might think our office does not have a water cooler.

You lied to me sitcoms!

Time to recon the mini-fridge again. Jackpot! We’ve got:

1 Container of Half & Half Cream.

I can either drink this or rub it on my face (I want my complexion to be smooth and kissable for when I’m rescued).

3 Bottles of Alexander Keith’s Beer. (This is Canada all offices have beer. In fact we’re running low!)

The guy in this commercial was arrested for child pornography… but the beer is still good (and strictly for adults).

4 Cans of Diet Pepsi

I hate this shit too but maybe I can mix it with some hand sanitizer when the beer runs out. Or I can pour some by the front door and maybe Michael Jackson (oops, forgot) I mean Michael J. Fox will smell it and come save me.

½ a Water Bottle Full of Yellow liquid.

Yeeeah. I’m just going to leave that.

So that’s about it. There’s also a container of coffee but with out water and power, that’s not much use. I suppose I could eat it to get energized. I also think I could cut off and eat my hair. (There’s got to be nutrients in there somewhere.)


Maybe not.

What I should do is purchase the Office Survival Kit and keep it under my desk.

Can you believe it comes with a toilet? If I’m trapped in my office I think the last thing I’m going to be worried about is, “where’s a good place to take shit?”

Now that I’m surviving it’s time to think about getting out of here (there’s law firm next door with like a 500 lb fat guy working there. He’s a lawyer so I’m guessing he’s smarter then me and would have no qualms eating me if he’s also trapped and can get to me). Yep, I’ve got to get out of here. If I had the Emergency Evacuchute I could just jump out of the window but

A) I don’t have it and

B) I’m only on the fourth floor.

Oh and C) The Evacuchute is retarded.

Still the window is helpful. I think I will break the window and then pile a bunch of stuff near it and set it on fire. That way the fire department will see the smoke and come rescue me. I could also take a roll of banner paper that we have here and write a message on it to hang out the window. I was thinking “Heterosexual White Male Trapped Inside” (in case the cops are around). No wait. Change that to “Hot Female Intern Trapped Inside. I’ve Burned My Clothes For Warmth & Now I’m Really Bored… IF You Know What I Mean”

That should get me rescued in no time. Although now I’m going to have to find something to make me look like a woman.

Surviving the rescue is going to be a whole other ordeal.