I've got it all figured out.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Unhappy Fathers Day!

Last week I shined the spotlight on the top 3 TV dads of all time. Well now it’s time to lift the rock and have a peak under at the 3 worst TV dads. Let’s count down from 3 to 1.

# 3

Dr. Jason Seaver.

Jason Seaver was a pompous, self-centered dick. Because he was a psychologist he thought he was better then everyone and walked around with this smug arrogant air about him. Look, there isn’t one Seaver family photo where he doesn’t look like a total asshole. The one posted above looks like they caught him in mid snide sentence.

In this one he’s puffing his chest out like he’s posing for the cover of a romance novel.

And don’t even get me started on this one. (Bonus: Look at Carol! What the fuck?!)

But never mind the still photos. Check him out in the title theme.

See, he doesn’t even care about his family. He’s just all, Look at me! I’m Dr. Important.

Like our # 1 dad Heathcliff Huxtable, the so called doctor Jason Seaver also decided to practice out of his home. But unlike Cliff who had an office in the basement with a separate entrance, Jason’s home practice was a room just off the Seavers’ living room. This meant that not only could the Seaver children listen in on all of their father’s private sessions with patients (which they often did) but also Jason had mental patients traipsing through the living room to get to his office.

Oh don’t mind me Ben. I’m just a little early for my 3 O’clock appointment with your father. Hey is Maggie home?

Yep, Jason risked his family just to save a few bucks on renting an office. And what happened to his family as a result? Maggie reverted to infantilism and started wearing footy pajamas.

Mike became a religious freak.

Carol became anorexic. Although that could have been from all of Mike’s fat jokes. Or from a long standing obsession with having a Barbie body ever since she did that commercial for Western Barbie.

Ben was so devoid of self esteem growing up that his only friend was a guy called Stinky Sullivan.

And now he poses for photos like this.

Little Chrissy couldn’t stand her asshole dad so much she ran away from home and lived in a shack with a bunch of other kids and Cousin Larry subsiding on nothing but sandwiches made with substandard peanut butter.

And speaking of homeless kids, remember that homeless kid Luke that the Seavers took in?

Well no one knows what happened to him. Rumor has it he died in a boating accident.

Dr. Jason Seaver is definitely not going to make the cover of Father of the Year Magazine any time soon. Good thing there’s Playgirl.

(Bonus: Check the half price sticker on it.)

# 2

Al Bundy

Oh Al, what a train wreck of a father you were. Where to begin? Al hated his wife and constantly wished she was dead.

He also hated himself and wished he was dead.

His favorite show was Psycho dad.

His daughter grew up to become a total slut.

And the son Bud Bundy became a friendless twisted little pervert.

But with fatherly advice like this, how can you blame him?

Here’s to Al Bundy. A sad pathetic man and a horrible, horrible dad.

# 1

Jack Arnold

Yep, there’s old Jack in the back there. Looking pissed off and emotionally unavailable as usual. God I hated Kevin Arnold’s dad. Here was a kid coming of age in a turbulent era and instead of being supportive Jack treated his son at best as an annoyance and at worst as a constant disappointment. It seemed like in every other episode Kevin was desperately trying to win his father over and failing miserably until the end where he’d finally get a smile out of the old man or they’d fade to black with the two of them finally playing a short game of catch. Jack Arnold always had this whiff of supreme misery about him and an underlying rage. I always thought it was going to boil over at some point and he’d explode into some Korean War flashback trance and take those garden shears or that spanner wrench he always had and just slaughter his whole family. Look at this clip of the family at dinner. Look at the fear in their eyes.

Here he is telling Kevin what he has to look forward to in life.

And here he is throwing his daughter the wonderful Birthday party she always wanted.

Man oh man. Joe Cocker sang, What would you do if I sang out of tune? in the opening of The Wonder Years. I’ll tell you what Jack Arnold would do. He’d give you one of those pained angry looks that rips your heart out and strikes the fear of god in you all at once then he’d go back to reading his paper and worrying about being almost our of Pepsi.

Jack Arnold, congratulations. You are TV’s worst dad. Here’s your award. A Korean can of Pepsi.

P.S. A special bad dad honorable mention has to go to Mike Neslon, Wheels’ natural father on Degrassi.

Way to abandon your son so you could play in a shitty rock and roll band that only gets gigs in dives up in northern Ontario. And way to send Wheels a postcard telling him all about.

Greetings from Sudbury son!

Wheels got so excited over that postcard that he left home and hitched all the way to see you.

I’m on my way dad. (Bet a few hearts were broken when Wheels left town.)

What he didn’t tell you though was that he got picked up by a molester and had to threaten him with a big rock to get away.

And then when he finally got there to see you, you acted like a total creep and blew him off.

Way to go Mike Nelson. Maybe if you were nicer to Wheels he wouldn’t have needed those extra cold brown monsters at the party and he wouldn’t have driven drunk with Lucy to go get chips. Lucy’s death is on your hands too Mike Shittydad Nelson. Think of that next time you’re in Keswick belting out another Trooper cover.

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